School sucks. I am about ready to through my laptop with the ebook out the door. I have done this problem more than 3 times now. I have lost track of how many times I have redone this problem.
Why do the men that come into my life, helped gave me life don't want me? What is wrong with me other than my current health problems. Is it because I am not the person they wanted me to be, or something else. I don't know. I feel like I am here for them more than for me.
I have got to learn how to take care of me and be there for me, if that seems selfish so be it. I have always put others before me and I am the one that is left out in the cold. I will get into details at a later date.
I am going to try to work on my school some more.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Nov 27, 2012
I am a pain in the butt. I have feelings for my next door neighbor but I need to leave him alone. He does not want me or think of me in the same way I want and think of him. I am just someone to have sex with and then leave to go back to his house. I am such a wimp. I really wish I can find someone like him you know one of those men that can do just about anything but master of none, someone who is strong physically, but even stronger mentally and emotionally, someone who will not hurt me or harm me. Yes we will have our arguments but as long as we don't blame each other and recognize who is at fault things should be okay. I mean you all know what I am trying to say.
I did something stupid. I asked him if he wanted to go with me to my Mom's not smart thing for me to do right. He would not go any how, never went with me when we lived together. I love going to my moms but the ride can be a bit boring yes I have my little dogs with me but still be nice to have human to chat with besides singing to the radio going down the highway. No kidding. I take that back about the something stupid - well I did 2 stupid things. I already mentioned one which should been the 2nd stupid thing. The 1st stupid thing was that I let him into my house and bed. Big mistake, if felt really good to be held and petted, comforted etc and I want more that but I am not going to get it. I feel numb and dumb at times because I keep trying for something that will not ever, is not going to, no way in hell happen. We will not ever get back together no matter how much I want it or what my feelings are. My heart wants it to happen but my head said nope. Not going to happen.
Why would any man want me? I have HSV1 & HSV2 both oral and gentil herpes. I am trying to be positive about things but really hard. I also have Type 2 diabetes. Off and on UTI, Urinary Tract Infections and who knows what else. Oh I cough a lot not sure if that is silent reflux or asthama but the doctor thinks it is the silent reflux. I even have accidents. It is not fun having Diabetes and I know I am not managing it well. I care yet at the same time I don't.
I sometimes don't mind being alone but yet I do. I sometimes feel like I need to have someone around due to the diabetes other times I am okay. I just need to take better care of me. It is going to tell on me sooner or later.
Any how I am a very independent person. I am so afraid to depend on someone else because in the past no one has been there or wants to be there even if they could. I can go ask for help but I am left waiting and waiting for someone but nothing happens. I have major hard time trusting someone or believing them. They have to kind of have to prove that I can I mean. If you say your going to help or do something with me, mean it don't say it and never follow through. If I ask you for help and you say yes, please mean it dont just say it to get me off your back and to satisfy me.
I guess I should get off here and get back to work. I do miss playing WOW and I am wishing I can get my school out of the way. I am worrying about that as well, plus my unfinished projects and the other projects I want to get started on, lol. I am only human.
How can we humans turn off our emotions, or feelings for another human being? To me that sounds cold hearted, like the person is made of rock due to the lack of laughter, love, crying, anger etc. I could not live that way.I want to be loved and I am a very emotional person. I cry, I hurt, I get angry and laugh. That is part of being alive.
Now I am taking crap I am getting off of here.
I did something stupid. I asked him if he wanted to go with me to my Mom's not smart thing for me to do right. He would not go any how, never went with me when we lived together. I love going to my moms but the ride can be a bit boring yes I have my little dogs with me but still be nice to have human to chat with besides singing to the radio going down the highway. No kidding. I take that back about the something stupid - well I did 2 stupid things. I already mentioned one which should been the 2nd stupid thing. The 1st stupid thing was that I let him into my house and bed. Big mistake, if felt really good to be held and petted, comforted etc and I want more that but I am not going to get it. I feel numb and dumb at times because I keep trying for something that will not ever, is not going to, no way in hell happen. We will not ever get back together no matter how much I want it or what my feelings are. My heart wants it to happen but my head said nope. Not going to happen.
Why would any man want me? I have HSV1 & HSV2 both oral and gentil herpes. I am trying to be positive about things but really hard. I also have Type 2 diabetes. Off and on UTI, Urinary Tract Infections and who knows what else. Oh I cough a lot not sure if that is silent reflux or asthama but the doctor thinks it is the silent reflux. I even have accidents. It is not fun having Diabetes and I know I am not managing it well. I care yet at the same time I don't.
I sometimes don't mind being alone but yet I do. I sometimes feel like I need to have someone around due to the diabetes other times I am okay. I just need to take better care of me. It is going to tell on me sooner or later.
Any how I am a very independent person. I am so afraid to depend on someone else because in the past no one has been there or wants to be there even if they could. I can go ask for help but I am left waiting and waiting for someone but nothing happens. I have major hard time trusting someone or believing them. They have to kind of have to prove that I can I mean. If you say your going to help or do something with me, mean it don't say it and never follow through. If I ask you for help and you say yes, please mean it dont just say it to get me off your back and to satisfy me.
I guess I should get off here and get back to work. I do miss playing WOW and I am wishing I can get my school out of the way. I am worrying about that as well, plus my unfinished projects and the other projects I want to get started on, lol. I am only human.
How can we humans turn off our emotions, or feelings for another human being? To me that sounds cold hearted, like the person is made of rock due to the lack of laughter, love, crying, anger etc. I could not live that way.I want to be loved and I am a very emotional person. I cry, I hurt, I get angry and laugh. That is part of being alive.
Now I am taking crap I am getting off of here.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Nov 21, 2012
I miss my ex-roommate. I wish he was back in my life. If I cannot have him I want someone like him in my life. I miss having someone sleeping with me, snuggle with me on the sofa watching a movie or just snuggling.
I don't want someone to pay my rent, truck payments etc. Yes it be nice to have a roommate to help out but I am getting to the stage that I wonder if it is worth it.
All I pray for is my health to improve, finish school and to bring my ex-roommate or someone like him into my life. I really think I ask for to much but I am trying. I just hope something good comes out of it all.
I will catch you later.
Goodnight
I don't want someone to pay my rent, truck payments etc. Yes it be nice to have a roommate to help out but I am getting to the stage that I wonder if it is worth it.
All I pray for is my health to improve, finish school and to bring my ex-roommate or someone like him into my life. I really think I ask for to much but I am trying. I just hope something good comes out of it all.
I will catch you later.
Goodnight
Nov. 19, 2012
I have discovered that I am in love with my exroommate. I am not sure what to do about that.
Nov. 21, 2012
I have my doctors appointment at 10 am. I hope everything comes out good.
How do you let someone go? How do you find a new love when your still in love with someone else? I am so badly hurting and really wanting to let go, to find someone who is willing to be there for me, not afraid of life. I know me and my exroommate/boyfriend will not get back togther, my head is constantly telling me this but my heart hopes that we can work on things and get back together.
My dreams are of no concern or matter to another human being only to me. I am trying not to let that bother me but it does. I guess my only worth to a man is to have sex with then get up and leave. I am such a fool and I am stupid.
I guess I will complain some more later in the day. I wish that my ex would come back to me. I want him to love me.
Shelly
How do you let someone go? How do you find a new love when your still in love with someone else? I am so badly hurting and really wanting to let go, to find someone who is willing to be there for me, not afraid of life. I know me and my exroommate/boyfriend will not get back togther, my head is constantly telling me this but my heart hopes that we can work on things and get back together.
My dreams are of no concern or matter to another human being only to me. I am trying not to let that bother me but it does. I guess my only worth to a man is to have sex with then get up and leave. I am such a fool and I am stupid.
I guess I will complain some more later in the day. I wish that my ex would come back to me. I want him to love me.
Shelly
Monday, November 19, 2012
Nov 19, 2012
What to do with myself? I have no clue. I have realized that I am in love with my ex-roommate who is now my neighbor. I don't think he feels the same for me. I know for a fact he does not feel the same for me. I have given him the site to my blogs so he can read my emotions. I know there will be some blogs he should not read but I want him to know who I am and how I feel.
I miss my ex-roommate holding me at night, falling asleep in his arms. I miss having him here watching him play his WOW, I miss playing WOW lol. I miss me and him trying to snuggle on the sofa to watch tv. My sofa is not that big and we are 2 big people. I ache for him, my heart beats for this person, use to be I did not want to come home now I cannot way for him to come home. I sound like a adolescent teenager.
I write my feelings down better than I can tell ya. Yeah I am a chicken but I am trying to change that as well. I hope he forgives me for the blogs I have written but the majority of them were done in anger. This is only way I know how to release my stress, frustration and anxieties. Sometimes it helps other times it does not. I constantly worry.
Any how. I feel like if I am with another man or try to be with another, I feel like I am cheating on someone who left me. Is this a normal feeling? I know living next door does not help but what do I do. I do not have the money to move to another house. I am more or less stuck here.
I pray to God, Universe help me to find someone to replace him or show him his way back to me. I cannot promise things would be the same as before or worse but I know I have trust issues and I need to be able to believe in a person. I have only found 1 other person that I can believe in.
I sometimes wonder if my diabetes and other health issues makes it hard for a man to be with me. I have both types of herpes 1 and 2. This is something I could have contracted from swimming in polluted water or maybe I got it from someone in my past or maybe my ex because he has cheated on me.
I am trying to work on my school still. I have had to ask help from the instructors but he does not always get back with me like I wanted him too. I have managed to figure out something but this I am going have to figure out as well.
I keep thinking about the ex-roommate if you cannot tell from the way I write. I just pray that something good will come out of and God will help me work through my issues and I hope he works through his issues to, and I hope that he loves me too.
I guess that is enough for now. I will try to post more.
Take care shelly
I miss my ex-roommate holding me at night, falling asleep in his arms. I miss having him here watching him play his WOW, I miss playing WOW lol. I miss me and him trying to snuggle on the sofa to watch tv. My sofa is not that big and we are 2 big people. I ache for him, my heart beats for this person, use to be I did not want to come home now I cannot way for him to come home. I sound like a adolescent teenager.
I write my feelings down better than I can tell ya. Yeah I am a chicken but I am trying to change that as well. I hope he forgives me for the blogs I have written but the majority of them were done in anger. This is only way I know how to release my stress, frustration and anxieties. Sometimes it helps other times it does not. I constantly worry.
Any how. I feel like if I am with another man or try to be with another, I feel like I am cheating on someone who left me. Is this a normal feeling? I know living next door does not help but what do I do. I do not have the money to move to another house. I am more or less stuck here.
I pray to God, Universe help me to find someone to replace him or show him his way back to me. I cannot promise things would be the same as before or worse but I know I have trust issues and I need to be able to believe in a person. I have only found 1 other person that I can believe in.
I sometimes wonder if my diabetes and other health issues makes it hard for a man to be with me. I have both types of herpes 1 and 2. This is something I could have contracted from swimming in polluted water or maybe I got it from someone in my past or maybe my ex because he has cheated on me.
I am trying to work on my school still. I have had to ask help from the instructors but he does not always get back with me like I wanted him too. I have managed to figure out something but this I am going have to figure out as well.
I keep thinking about the ex-roommate if you cannot tell from the way I write. I just pray that something good will come out of and God will help me work through my issues and I hope he works through his issues to, and I hope that he loves me too.
I guess that is enough for now. I will try to post more.
Take care shelly
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