My Frustration - Jun. 26, 2013

I am so frustrated, angry, upset with myself. I am so tired of trying to save money, to enjoy life on nothing, do without as much as I can and all I get is more expenses more of my money gone.

Truck $291.61 per month, plus another $1575 to fix the AC there goes my trip to my moms. I need 2 jobs or roommate.

I don't think I want another roommate. The last few were horrible, I got conned by one of them so now I owe my son $2500, he has lost his job and I cannot even repay back that money that I know he can use. The 1st roommate I was treated like POS (pile of shit). I was there for his family and himself, I was forgotten. 2nd roommate tried to bully me, he left as well.

Everyone keeps telling me it may get better but I don't need a maybes, or it mights. I need to feel like things will get better. I have to feel it and right now I don't feel that it will.

I want a 2nd job. I am told I should not due to health reason. 1. I have type 2 diabetes. 2. I have coughing fits every now and then. I sometimes cough so hard I pee my pants or crap in them not good. Bad enough I have a very loose bowl movement at inopportune times - (out of blue you crap your pants, no warning etc). 3. It would interfer with me trying to finish school. 4. I would never have any time for myself or to take good care of myself. All I want is my bills caught up and money in the bank just like everyone else. I want to get to the point where I can by my own small farm so I can my dogs and my moms dogs, cats etc. to be able to paint my house pepto bismal pink if I wanted or whatever color I want and not worry about someone saying hum you cannot do that, have to follow the rules.

I feel so limited right now. I am fighting for my existance. I see people standing besides intersections begging for money, that could be me someday and it is really a humble feeling when you feel that way. I want to be comfortable. Not to worry about anything.

I know Pray, Meditate, don't let it get to you so they tell me and a few other things, I am told it will get better just wish I can see some kind of improvement. My mom things I cannot save money that all I want to do is spend. Hum gee thanks mom for those kind thoughts. I so badly want to prove everyone wrong that I can save money that I don't spend whatever I get on stupid things.

I knot this post does not make much since but I am blowing off steam. I may be back off and on through out the work day. I have to get things off my chest so to speak.

Music

What does music do to you? Does it calm you? Can it make your emotions be like a yoyo up and down? Can it uplift your spirits?

I guess it would depend on the music. I sometime can imagine myself listening in a perfect sunset, or sunrise. or just feeling a cool breeze blowing. I have no favorite genre. I like everything as long it uplifts me, does not cause me to be sad and depressed.

Then you have those song that all you want to do is drown your sorrows in a jug, bottle, can of booze of some sort. I guess that is why I avoid them when I hear them. I use to like to listening to country music but they have become almost to sappy for me to listen to. It is hard to hear love songs when you have no one to love you back. I can almost sit and listen through out the day, working with my head set on and listening to something,.

My next question. Why can't we have a radio for those like country n wester, rock n roll, r&b, souls, rap, etc. I like everything it is hard to find something to stick with when you like to listen to so much.

I guess I better get back to work.

My Lamp

This is a lamp I got at a rummage sale for $1. I primed it with black spray paint then once that was dried I painted it Ocean Blue, both were from Krylon brand. I still think it needs something other than the shade and a few other odds and end.I will figure that out soon. I have another lamp I think I will paint the same color but I have to take it apart it needs to be rewired.

Jun. 10, 2013

Have you ever asked these questions?

What are you doing with your life?

Where are you heading?

Why can't I stop spending money?

Why do I find the wrong kind of man for me?

Why can't he be a bit of a bad with hint of goodness?

Then you have the what if's.

What if I changed myself for him?

What if I stopped trying?

What if I did not buy this at the store?

Then the should haves or have not  or the could haves or could not have sneak in.

I should have returned that ratchet.

I should have not put school off,

There are endless questions in life. I can go on and on. So what do we do with ourselves when those little questions sneaks into our minds. Do we ignore them? Answer them? How do we learn from our mistakes so as not to repeat them the next time around.