Friday,October 12, 2018

I keep telling myself to save money, but so much more fun to spend it. It won't go with me when I die. Most of my days are spent working, paying bills and sleeping. I am quite dull.

What's new

What's new everyone? Same old same here.

Emotionally Wrought

I am upset, sad, grieving and angry all into one. I had to put my Sassy down. She already had 1 surgery to remove stones and she was needing another. I did not have $2000 more or less to do this plus the special food for her. I had to make the tough decision to let go. It would not have been so bad but when they gave her something to relax her she fell into my arms then the Vet gave her the med to stop her heart. I don't know if I can go through that 3 more times with my pets, make it 5 need to include the cat and the other 4 dogs. In am still sad about it but I find I cannot communicate with my family. I either get a shrugging of the shoulders, or they are off into their own little world.

I told mom I miss Sassy, that is when she shrugged her shoulders then proceeded to say she misses her barking. My dogs would bark when I get out of my truck and walk in, you would think I was beating them but I don't. They just saying glad your home, love you kind of things. Most of time time I will go to my room and lay down then I get ran over by them all.  Which is okay, just wish I could have trained them to be a masseuse I could always use a back rub, of course i think the cat would be good at acupuncture do to the claw needing things.

I know I need to blog more. It helps me to feel better. I know I complain, cry, bitch etc but it is a good way to let off steam and not hurt anyone.  

I know there are other people that has gone through this too be it a pet or loved one the 2 legged kind, I thought I could handle watching the Vet give the meds and all but Boy was I wrong, I did not think I would get so emotional over this., I am a big softy I cried all the way home and a bit off and on at work. I have even found myself crying at a movie, be it action or romantic, even over a song on K-Love.

I have found I like listening to the Contemporary Christian Music. It is really good. every once in awhile I will listen to local channel to get the news and the weather. I am also thinking about just letting my TV go keep it for movies and such, but listen to the radio more often like they did before TV was invented.

I will try to write more and maybe start in the morning and try to remember to work on it through out the day. I need to keep the blogging process so I can just work through things better.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and  a Happy New Year!!!

Love
Shelly

Crying Time

Dear Lord,
I am so tired. I want to give up but I don't. I am financially  emotionally and mentally stressed. I don't know how I am going to survive. The next year or so, I have way to many bills. I cannot pay them all. I am on the verge of filing bankruptcy for all my bills. The student loans, truck payments, medical bills are getting to me. I also have pet bills to pay as well. I need help. I want to put my life in your hands.

I have a neighbor who has treated me in a bad way, still married and thinks it is okay to be in a relationship. I have felt more like a neighbor with benefits, a punching bag, that he does not really want me in his life. He thinks it is okay for his girlfriends to come spend the night with him, or he is in touch with his last girl friend for the sake of a phone. I have felt his little digs at my well being.

I have my mom living with me. Again I hope it all gets better soon. I don't want to live off credit cards to pay bills, buy clothes etc. I want to live with freedom for all burdens even when I have them.

I want to go to my room or somewhere private and just cry until I can no longer cry anymore. I need to play the lottery just to win enough to pay off all my bills.

Thanks for listening to my complaints.

Blues

Yes I have the blues. I have so much going through my mind.

How many times per day do you tell that little voice in  your head to shut-up? I know I cannot count the times I have had to tell myself that.

I had a semi rough day at work. I feel like I am surrounded by people who don't know how to think for themselves and are constantly driving me up the wall for no reason at all. Yeah I know relax, it ain't you it is them.

I keep wishing over and over that I can afford my own house. I have also been ill for the last 3 weeks. It makes me wish I had someone I can depend on in my life. I have my mom living with me but she has her health issues, plus we both feel sorry for ourselves. Yeah My home has turned into a semi loony bin.

I just keep hoping and praying things get better for everyone including me.

anyhow I guess I should stop. I am not myself lol.

Take care

Shelly

My list of wants

My wants in life are simple. It is a humongous list. It is not short by anyone's list. I have been told that all these wants are bad for a person. Things happen have to accept it, deal with it the best you can and go on. Easier said than done.

I do know that my blogging helps me at times and I need to continue with it. If those of you are reading this I would appreciate your words of wisdom, Especially if you been there. 

I am financially unstable. This I would dearly love to fix. I want to be able to shop wisely, save and pray for things to get better.

I still want my own home. I would love something outside the city limits where I can keep livestock or other animals

I would like to have a room for crafting, for when I have to work at home, meditation/prayer, to read a book, watch something on the boob-tube that I want to watch not what everyone else wants to.

I do miss having a piano would like to get another one, just right now I don't have the man power to help me move.

Going to other places for vacations is good but not that important. I would miss my pets.

If I won a million dollars would I still work Yes. Why you would ask? I would most definitely get bored going out to eat, shopping or just staying home and do nothing.

I have to go now I may or may not add to this later. I am work.

Thank you for listening to me complain.

Friday Nov 5 2014

I wish I was Wonder Woman. I mean I need at least several of me. I need one person to help me with my mom, go to the store and work for extra income.

I am so tired of having to worry about bills. Not ever having enough money to get buy, living from pay check to pay check. I keep hoping and praying it all gets better but sometimes it don't seem like that but deep down I know it will eventually.

I guess enough complaints for now.

Monday blues

Have you ever had one of those days where you cannot focus on one thing or several things? Or maybe your mind wanders so often that every time you corral it, it just jumps the fence. That is how my day went. I need to focus on my job and learning it better. How about that little voice in your head that won't ever shut up. IT is always going back to the past, or saying I should have done this, should have done and or shouldn't haves, you know the what if, should have and should not have situations. It is like watching reruns on TV, your constantly flipping the channels trying to find a better station. Some of the times I am telling that little voice to shut up. Don't always work but still I tell it to shut up, stop that or go away. 

Want to know what I was thinking? Are you sure? I a sure you it is quite boring. I was thinking of how to clean my house, which walls to work on washing down, how to fix my middle room up into a craft room and wondering how to get my used tv i got from a friend where I can play video games and or watch movies. Then I got to thinking about projects I want to get started on, then there are those I want to finish. 

Only thing is I never feel good. I am fighting exhaustion, sleep, head cold/sinuses and allergies. Those pesky quacks oops I mean doctors cannot figure out why I am coughing so much. I know I am tired of taking a pill for infection, then you have to take another pill to counter act with that, then you have to watch how those pills affects your sugar, mine is either to low but Sunday was really high. I blamed it on the chocolate malt I ate and the upset stomach I was trying to get to go away. Yes I have GERDs, acid reflux or whatever you want to call it, Herpes both types, Type 2 Diabetes. Yeah see what happens when you were wild in your younger years, it catches up.  

It would really be nice and awesome to wake up, sugar levels are stable, no spikes or extremes. The past is gone but not totally forgotten, there when you need to remember not to do that again, lessons learned. It be nice if my family and I got a long better. I don't care of mom and dad are divorced, just tired of the negativity. I am tired of people telling me what my mental stability is. I have a lot of responsibilities, yes I am stressed, Yes I am a bit depressed and I have tons of anxieties due to I worry to much and never learnt how not to.

Any how I have lots of projects to do and cleaning to do. I'm just not a very organized, discipline person. I rather work outside, ride horses (have to find a farm to do that) or  get chased by cows than clean the house. Yeah I miss certain parts of my childhood, do not miss the yelling and screaming but miss the animals and having lots to do. 

I guess I am a basket case, a nut. Oh well. I will talk to you all later. bye.

Crazy Woman putting it politely

I am not nuts, crazy or anything else. I am an emotional person. Everyone is so busy pointing out my faults when those same faults is their own. I won't deny that I have those same faults just tired of everyone pointing them out to me.

Well I don't know what to think or feel anymore. I was told I got an attitude today. I did not snap at anyone in the restaurant, got miffed when I was asking the waitress a question about what came with a plate and how many ribs came with it and the person I was with told me your not getting that. All I was asking at the time was a question. He wanted a family meal and tried to see if his sister wanted to come or not. Then he started to say something bout my attitude then I said I wanted to go home. I think the only time I snapped at him he stopped at another restaurant that was closed and he slammed his truck door. I had an attitude about that then and there but I let it dropped. He said i can pay for but then I would have to wait for him to finish.  I got up paid for my drink which he tired to pay for it.and I walked out the door.  Then he proceeded to yell at me some more and I told him I wanted to go home because I had the shakes. I am a diabetic, I did not eat well today and it dropped due to not eating and I got the shakes.

So everything is my fault not his. He pulled into another location and I said I just wanted to go home. He said I was in his truck he will go and do what he wants to, if I did not like it i can get out and walk so I did. So I am walking home with the shakes and luckily I did not faint or go into a coma.

So everything is still my fault no one wants me, etc., etc.

take care,
catch you later.

Living in the Now

How does one person live for today, not yesterday or tomorrow? I am still trying to figure that one out. I have lived with what my mom, dad, aunts and uncles have said. I am always telling that little voice in my head to be quiet.

I have several things I need to do. I need to take a portrait of myself to send to my dad, clean house do that fall cleaning.

I have no idea what I am talking about today I will probably sound like I am on drugs, drinking or both. I may be posting things off and on here. I use the blog post as my sounding board. I wonder if we become more nuts when we answer our own questions to ourselves. My dad is right about one thing, it takes discipline to make changes to do what you should be doing, at the same time  a person needs to have some fun, relaxation. A chance to realign ones self.

Now I am confused. Yack at you all later.

See I told you a be back that was short. Time 8:32 am Oct. 27, 2014. Lets see how long I will be back. LOL.

I miss shopping at the craft stores, book store and I do like home improvement stores. Maybe it is a good thing I don't visit junk oops I mean antique stores and thrift stores. I may find things I cannot live without of come up with projects that I never seem to start nor finish.

Time now 8:34 am Oct. 27, 2014. I am leaving now.

Daily complaints

How does a person cope with anger at life? I am always angry, stressed and worried about paying bills, money and food.

I have felt like I am on a emotional roller coaster. I have my mom to worry about, my health to worry about and I do worry about my son. I have no one I can talk to, no one to go to for help.I do wish I was at the stage where I can work 2 job instead of one. Right now that is how I feel.

I am told to accept what is as is, but it is very hard. I am told to meditate. I cannot sit still or keep my mind quiet for 1 hr or so. I am lucky if I can get my mind to be quiet for 2 seconds. I don't know how many times I have told myself to shut up.

I wish I can make those around me happy, mainly those that care about me. I wish I was happy. I wish for a lot of things - XBOX One, house of my own in the country, horse to ride for relaxation, rescue animals from abuse and neglect. I wish I can take better care of my mom, provide us with food on the table. I feel like it is depression times at the moment. I need to learn how to live off of beans and other legumes.

I also need to find a receipt from going to the Eye Dr.so that I can get my insurance to approve the spending for it. I have to call them in the morning. I also thought I had paid my DirectTv twice so I had to call them to make sure. I gave up my Wow subscription to pay bills and have food. I did not get everything I need at the store. So badly in the needs of socks, underwear, pants and shirts as well. 

Man I complain alot and I sound very needy. I guess I will go to bed now. I am not making much sense to myself.

Take care all

Pleasing peopl

You cannot please everyone be it family or friends.

I have been told by several people that I have bipolar disorder but then again i put up with a lot of stuff and taken a lot of stuff maybe someday I will write about. I think I did in previous post.

My dad and brother is mad at me. Yippee I am on a roll.

Aug. 06, 2014

You want to know something. I really don't wake up tired from staying up late. I wake up with sinus headache and then I am tired. My eyes are burning, my head is swollen feeling. Or I am having one of those days when all I do is cough.

I wish I can write a book like Laurell  K Hamilton orSherrilyn Kenyon. I have an artistic side just don't know how to develop it. I like crafting, reading and home improvement stores. It is a good things I don't visit them every pay day or I would not have any money after bills paid. I do miss the stores though and I can spend more than 1 hour in those stores too.

I need to finish a blanket and a doiley I guess if I remember I will take some pictures to post here.

I don't know what else to talk about. I know people out in this world don't give a rats behind (nice way of saying) about what is going on in my life. I could write about my past in hopes to exorcise the demons and create a more positive attitude and a more relaxed, calmer me.

I will catch you all later. I must try to go to work.

Ta Ta Ta
Shelly

July 31, 2014 Long due Post

I am at work for the moment. I will try to post stuff off and on more. I will not make any promises but will try.

I am single and alone. I hate that feeling. I love someone who does not really love me or want me in their life only to screw me, play video games and to ignore me most of the other time. I just felt used and after he said what he said it just confirmed what I felt.

He said "there was no love, no attraction, I don't like you, I don't hate you. Something about me seeking attention and I have psychological problems" Also I am a "CRAZY BIPOLAR LIKE BITCH". Really after telling me you love me, just so show he never meant those three words "I Love You". All because argued over stupid video games and I yelled at him when trying to tell him he did not get me these but got me those. Really. Yeah I am pretty darn angry about it. Come to find out he is still married, now I am an adulterer (if that is such a word), but his wife was filing for divorce so she can marry someone else. He has also told someone on a phone in a store that he got this game for a few of his friends and only a few play it, even I don't play the thing. I am, I was trying to finish school. Thanks for the support and putting me down.

I don't understand why people things it is okay to talk to each other that way. It is just so wrong on so many levels. They want you to tell them what your feeling and when you do the get defensive and if you don't they get defensive, cannot win there.

I finally got my mom moved down here. I now have 5 dogs and 1 cat, yeah. I have a small zoo. Only thing missing is the bears, giraffes etc. My relatives to you know those chimps and gorillas that we are so closely related to but your family wont admit it.

Any how I will in chaotic mode. My sentences and words may not make since sometimes I think I am ADHD. Oh well. I will have to get back to work.

Do you know what day it is? Wednesday 26, 2014

Man this is some year. I have no idea what I am doing anymore. Yesterday I had argument with my school. You would think trying to get an answer to one questions would be simple. Nope you more or less get the run around, contact this group of people, or that group of people, so and so say one thing, another so and so said another. Then your made to feel small and stupid.

I also took my neighbor to have gal bladder surgery on top of that. I am having a blast, lol. I guess I will be rewarded in the end I hope.

Not much going on today just working myself to death, stressed and anxieties. I need to finish my school but I suck at test no matter if I go to a center to take them or actual classroom. Oh well I hope I get it all completed but not so sure anymore.

Friday 13, 2013

Man I wish this day would get over with. I am so ready for a long nap. I woke up with a sore throat, sins/stuffy headache and tired feeling. I have this sinus/cold stuff for a week now. It does not go away. You go to the doctors and they are probably sitting there thinking your a drug addict or something. I have gone to several doctors now trying to figure out why I cough alot and I keep telling them what I go through. Nothing is helping.

My neighbors think it is sugar thing, but then they self diagnosed themselves. My mom tells me my grandmother had this constant coughing. I just want to feel better.

Dec. 4, 2013 I took my Oracle Admin I exam. I bombed. Now I have to wait for the school to inform me when I can take the test again. I looked at online it cost $245 for the voucher to take the test. Really who in the world can ford that. I know I cannot.

I am sorry for not posting much here. I have been trying to study for the failed said test and trying to get to feeling better.

I am like thousands of people. I eat, sleep and pay bills, and I worry about my finances.

I will try to post more later.

Shelly

Bitch Session

Well I have no idea what is going on with people at work? I think everyone is in a pissy mood that is for sure. I got threatened with meetings. My response was "do it".

I woke up with my sugar reading 58. That is not good. I am so surprised I got up out of bed.

I am blogging today because of the anger I am holding inside. I love my exroommate but I cannot take being put down anymore, or told I am screaming when I am not. I need some courage to say what I think and feel.

It is like this you don't keep your word, you never follow through on what you say. You tell me your going to help me and do this and that for me but you never meant it. The only thing he means something is when he is pisst and insulting. Or whinning about not getting the ice cream he asked for etc. Does he ever wonder why I don't ask him to fix my vehicle, change the oil etc. I don't have time to sit and wait on someone.

I have to figure out how to spend $50 on a book for my class then put at least $50 to $75 back into my savings without killing myself or short changing myself each month. It is going to be a struggle. Plus I am letting them take extra out of my paycheck for my medical expenses. This is so frustrating. I am trying to keep all my receipts and expenses, so I hope that will help come tax time. I feel like a 80 year old woman because of the meds I take. .

I guess that is enough belly aching for the moment. I may be back tomorrow. I have a huge headache.

Thank Goodness it is Friday!!!

Thank GOD it is Friday.

I am tired. I am having a hard time remembering any time in my adult life and childhood where I, myself and family were ever happy. I keep look at these self help articles on line. How to become a happy person, a more positive person,

It is much harder than you think it is. I have looked past my life as of today. Do I remember a time in my life when I was ever happy. I don't. Do I remember my family ever having good and happy times. Again I don't. I wonder why that is.

My family was very, very dysfunctional growing up. I was always compared to someone in the family or outside the family. My dad tried to keep me sheltered which I think now a parent should never shelter a child. I have more memories of my mom and dad fighting, separating getting back together. Then when I got old enough my dad started be strict with me, hum not sure I want to say strict. All I knew if I looked the wrong way I got smacked. If I defended myself or someone I got smacked. I got smacked for giving a dirty look. My dad and I got into it physical once, I have flash backs of him doing that to my mom, but he has never as far as I know done that to my brother. I try not to dwell on all of this but I do. Maybe I should blog about my past and the things I have done. I have forgotten some of it so may have to embellish a bit, but it would be 90% truth.

I am trying to finish my certification courses, sucks because there is not enough time in the evenings go to back through the recordings to get all the information and to do the labs. 40 hours of class time in to the evenings no such luck. I have tried I want to try to put myself on a schedule but that is mute point because I never stick to it. I never stick to anything and finish what I have started. I really would love to change that.

Now these self help articles to become more happy and postive. How many times in a day can say I love myself, I am a good person, I am beautiful before you feel like your vain or become tired of hearing yourself talk about you. I am told to meditate and prayers okay. When does a person have time to do that. You get up, shower, get ready for work. You come home from work, cook and pick up then what forget about life, tv etc you study. I wish my brain had more absorbancy to let everything sink in. And now I am suppose to look the good into everything I see and do, does not matter if it is bad or good. I just have to see the good in life.

I have nothing to say when I am around people. And when I do I feel like I am talking about me to much and I am complaining being negative. I need to hang around more positive people, but would that be boring at times. Hum Maybe.

I will post more at a later date. May I just try to post somethings of my child hood, teen and adult life. It will sound just as mixed up as I do.

July 23, 2013

What should I post today? I know I have not been posting much here. It is like all I do is talk about me and the stuff that I go through. I know they are being read but I guess I am not that interesting of a person.

I have my dogs a flea dip / flea bath outside. It was good and a bad thing. Good because did not have to use towels or make a mess bad new is the dogs went to rolling in the grass soon as I was done.

My neighbor borrowed my lawnmower. Now I have to get the blade replaced. She said her friend has some blades but I may have to do the attempt myself. I am not totally 100% mechanically inclined but I am not afraid to get greasy and oily. In fact I like to do some hard, physical work where I am busy and my mind is focused on something else other that fretting and worrying about stuff that is out of my control.

I know I should post stuff more often due to that I think it helps me out mentally and emotionally. I just feel like I am always angry, never in a relaxed state of mind. I guess if I can get it off my chest so to speak then maybe I can let it go and not worry about it anymore. I can always go back and read my post and wonder why I got so angry in the 1st place.

I guess this is enough for now. I have thought about posting what I did, etc but I figure you guys would probably say oh here is another one that is full of herself.

Bye for now

My Frustration - Jun. 26, 2013

I am so frustrated, angry, upset with myself. I am so tired of trying to save money, to enjoy life on nothing, do without as much as I can and all I get is more expenses more of my money gone.

Truck $291.61 per month, plus another $1575 to fix the AC there goes my trip to my moms. I need 2 jobs or roommate.

I don't think I want another roommate. The last few were horrible, I got conned by one of them so now I owe my son $2500, he has lost his job and I cannot even repay back that money that I know he can use. The 1st roommate I was treated like POS (pile of shit). I was there for his family and himself, I was forgotten. 2nd roommate tried to bully me, he left as well.

Everyone keeps telling me it may get better but I don't need a maybes, or it mights. I need to feel like things will get better. I have to feel it and right now I don't feel that it will.

I want a 2nd job. I am told I should not due to health reason. 1. I have type 2 diabetes. 2. I have coughing fits every now and then. I sometimes cough so hard I pee my pants or crap in them not good. Bad enough I have a very loose bowl movement at inopportune times - (out of blue you crap your pants, no warning etc). 3. It would interfer with me trying to finish school. 4. I would never have any time for myself or to take good care of myself. All I want is my bills caught up and money in the bank just like everyone else. I want to get to the point where I can by my own small farm so I can my dogs and my moms dogs, cats etc. to be able to paint my house pepto bismal pink if I wanted or whatever color I want and not worry about someone saying hum you cannot do that, have to follow the rules.

I feel so limited right now. I am fighting for my existance. I see people standing besides intersections begging for money, that could be me someday and it is really a humble feeling when you feel that way. I want to be comfortable. Not to worry about anything.

I know Pray, Meditate, don't let it get to you so they tell me and a few other things, I am told it will get better just wish I can see some kind of improvement. My mom things I cannot save money that all I want to do is spend. Hum gee thanks mom for those kind thoughts. I so badly want to prove everyone wrong that I can save money that I don't spend whatever I get on stupid things.

I knot this post does not make much since but I am blowing off steam. I may be back off and on through out the work day. I have to get things off my chest so to speak.