I am so frustrated, angry, upset with myself. I am so tired of trying to save money, to enjoy life on nothing, do without as much as I can and all I get is more expenses more of my money gone.
Truck $291.61 per month, plus another $1575 to fix the AC there goes my trip to my moms. I need 2 jobs or roommate.
I don't think I want another roommate. The last few were horrible, I got conned by one of them so now I owe my son $2500, he has lost his job and I cannot even repay back that money that I know he can use. The 1st roommate I was treated like POS (pile of shit). I was there for his family and himself, I was forgotten. 2nd roommate tried to bully me, he left as well.
Everyone keeps telling me it may get better but I don't need a maybes, or it mights. I need to feel like things will get better. I have to feel it and right now I don't feel that it will.
I want a 2nd job. I am told I should not due to health reason. 1. I have type 2 diabetes. 2. I have coughing fits every now and then. I sometimes cough so hard I pee my pants or crap in them not good. Bad enough I have a very loose bowl movement at inopportune times - (out of blue you crap your pants, no warning etc). 3. It would interfer with me trying to finish school. 4. I would never have any time for myself or to take good care of myself. All I want is my bills caught up and money in the bank just like everyone else. I want to get to the point where I can by my own small farm so I can my dogs and my moms dogs, cats etc. to be able to paint my house pepto bismal pink if I wanted or whatever color I want and not worry about someone saying hum you cannot do that, have to follow the rules.
I feel so limited right now. I am fighting for my existance. I see people standing besides intersections begging for money, that could be me someday and it is really a humble feeling when you feel that way. I want to be comfortable. Not to worry about anything.
I know Pray, Meditate, don't let it get to you so they tell me and a few other things, I am told it will get better just wish I can see some kind of improvement. My mom things I cannot save money that all I want to do is spend. Hum gee thanks mom for those kind thoughts. I so badly want to prove everyone wrong that I can save money that I don't spend whatever I get on stupid things.
I knot this post does not make much since but I am blowing off steam. I may be back off and on through out the work day. I have to get things off my chest so to speak.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Music
What does music do to you? Does it calm you? Can it make your emotions be like a yoyo up and down? Can it uplift your spirits?
I guess it would depend on the music. I sometime can imagine myself listening in a perfect sunset, or sunrise. or just feeling a cool breeze blowing. I have no favorite genre. I like everything as long it uplifts me, does not cause me to be sad and depressed.
Then you have those song that all you want to do is drown your sorrows in a jug, bottle, can of booze of some sort. I guess that is why I avoid them when I hear them. I use to like to listening to country music but they have become almost to sappy for me to listen to. It is hard to hear love songs when you have no one to love you back. I can almost sit and listen through out the day, working with my head set on and listening to something,.
My next question. Why can't we have a radio for those like country n wester, rock n roll, r&b, souls, rap, etc. I like everything it is hard to find something to stick with when you like to listen to so much.
I guess I better get back to work.
I guess it would depend on the music. I sometime can imagine myself listening in a perfect sunset, or sunrise. or just feeling a cool breeze blowing. I have no favorite genre. I like everything as long it uplifts me, does not cause me to be sad and depressed.
Then you have those song that all you want to do is drown your sorrows in a jug, bottle, can of booze of some sort. I guess that is why I avoid them when I hear them. I use to like to listening to country music but they have become almost to sappy for me to listen to. It is hard to hear love songs when you have no one to love you back. I can almost sit and listen through out the day, working with my head set on and listening to something,.
My next question. Why can't we have a radio for those like country n wester, rock n roll, r&b, souls, rap, etc. I like everything it is hard to find something to stick with when you like to listen to so much.
I guess I better get back to work.
Monday, June 10, 2013
My Lamp
Jun. 10, 2013
Have you ever asked these questions?
What are you doing with your life?
Where are you heading?
Why can't I stop spending money?
Why do I find the wrong kind of man for me?
Why can't he be a bit of a bad with hint of goodness?
Then you have the what if's.
What if I changed myself for him?
What if I stopped trying?
What if I did not buy this at the store?
Then the should haves or have not or the could haves or could not have sneak in.
I should have returned that ratchet.
I should have not put school off,
There are endless questions in life. I can go on and on. So what do we do with ourselves when those little questions sneaks into our minds. Do we ignore them? Answer them? How do we learn from our mistakes so as not to repeat them the next time around.
What are you doing with your life?
Where are you heading?
Why can't I stop spending money?
Why do I find the wrong kind of man for me?
Why can't he be a bit of a bad with hint of goodness?
Then you have the what if's.
What if I changed myself for him?
What if I stopped trying?
What if I did not buy this at the store?
Then the should haves or have not or the could haves or could not have sneak in.
I should have returned that ratchet.
I should have not put school off,
There are endless questions in life. I can go on and on. So what do we do with ourselves when those little questions sneaks into our minds. Do we ignore them? Answer them? How do we learn from our mistakes so as not to repeat them the next time around.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Saturday Feb. 23, 2013
I am still in a frustrated state of mind. The though of having to pack up my things and move because I cannot afford the rent, household and personal bills.
I pray and hope, try to keep my faith that I will not loose my job. I have had a feeling that it would last a very long time. I keep hoping and wanting it to last. I want out of debt, I want sit at home and imagine no more excessive bills. I can live and enjoy life with not much worries. I have such dreams. I want my own small farm, my job, finish school and be my own success. I want to get to the state that no matter what life brings me, I will be okay, I want that confidence not only in myself but in life itself.
I don't like to worry, stress, nervousness or have anxiety attacks. It is not good on a persons health. I have so many health problems will I be able to find another job or will I be another statistic going on disability until I can figure out what is wrong with me and how to make it better.
I am in a worried state today my thoughts are chaotic. I will probably be here off and on, writing things down. I think it helps me out a lot. I have to figure out how to build up that faith and self confidence that the doors will continue to open for me. That I will continue to do what I am suppose to do. I just want to be successful in my own mind, not to impress others but to impress myself, showing myself I can and did do it.
I pray that our government will wake up before it is too late. I want to see my country and people make it in this world. I want to keep on fighting, and being as strong as I can be but at times that is so hard. I guess I wined enough as it is. I will be back here to post more later on today. If I can put things here or on paper I will feel to much better. I need to learn the Secret to be a better me.
I am back it is 1:45 pm. Okay now I have convinced myself that I will keep my job, I just need to stay away from the news, and news papers. I have this belief now that I will have my job for a long, very long time. I will finish my school (just got to stop being lazy) and my dreams will come true. This is the important thing to do in life. You must keep a positive attitude (very hard to do) and be thankful every day. Also let the beauty of a sunset fill you or the rise of the sun. Let things you find beautiful fill your heart and soul up with these wonders. This is Gods love and his art.
I pray and hope, try to keep my faith that I will not loose my job. I have had a feeling that it would last a very long time. I keep hoping and wanting it to last. I want out of debt, I want sit at home and imagine no more excessive bills. I can live and enjoy life with not much worries. I have such dreams. I want my own small farm, my job, finish school and be my own success. I want to get to the state that no matter what life brings me, I will be okay, I want that confidence not only in myself but in life itself.
I don't like to worry, stress, nervousness or have anxiety attacks. It is not good on a persons health. I have so many health problems will I be able to find another job or will I be another statistic going on disability until I can figure out what is wrong with me and how to make it better.
I am in a worried state today my thoughts are chaotic. I will probably be here off and on, writing things down. I think it helps me out a lot. I have to figure out how to build up that faith and self confidence that the doors will continue to open for me. That I will continue to do what I am suppose to do. I just want to be successful in my own mind, not to impress others but to impress myself, showing myself I can and did do it.
I pray that our government will wake up before it is too late. I want to see my country and people make it in this world. I want to keep on fighting, and being as strong as I can be but at times that is so hard. I guess I wined enough as it is. I will be back here to post more later on today. If I can put things here or on paper I will feel to much better. I need to learn the Secret to be a better me.
I am back it is 1:45 pm. Okay now I have convinced myself that I will keep my job, I just need to stay away from the news, and news papers. I have this belief now that I will have my job for a long, very long time. I will finish my school (just got to stop being lazy) and my dreams will come true. This is the important thing to do in life. You must keep a positive attitude (very hard to do) and be thankful every day. Also let the beauty of a sunset fill you or the rise of the sun. Let things you find beautiful fill your heart and soul up with these wonders. This is Gods love and his art.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Sequestration - frustration
I am surprised that no one has started a petition on the WhiteHouse.gov site to stop the sequestration/furloughs. Honestly how many of us Americans want to loose our jobs, thus loose our homes especially if you rent or have a mortgage. It would mean millions of people would be out of a job, on unemployment, those with health issues would not be able to go to the doctors and hospitals be more deaths in the USA. These budget cuts they have been talking about how badly will these cuts hurt us, if the military budgets gets cuts will this leave us vulnerable to attacks from the outsiders. How badly will these hurt the people? I am sorry I need my insurance, I need my job to pay for my education, to pay for the things that just happen in life.
Why don't the government help the people that they lay off due to furloughs find replacement jobs? No they won't help they are so stuck on themselves, so concerned about not going on those expensive vacations, or helping some country out when ours is suffering.
We voted these people into office and how do they repay us. We loose our jobs. We loose our lively hood. I am so tired of for every time I try to take a step forward to better myself and life. We have people unwilling to cooperate that pushes us back a few more steps. Life is hard enough as it is.
I know I am rambling but it is just freaking hard. I try not to worry about things and keep hoping for the best. If this sequestration/furlough goes through it means moving back in with my mom and trying to take whatever job comes my way and to finish school when I can. My health is another issue I just cannot afford to do without insurance. I cannot get help for being a diabetic because I am not pregnant or old enough to get assistance. I cannot afford $550 month rent, utility bills, plus my own personal bills. I am already spending more than I make and I am trying to make it on my own without much help from anyone.I know I am not the only one in this boat. I want a house of my own, no more renting, how in the world will I be able to afford a house at my age when this is going on. I feel like that dream just has been killed.
I am trying to keep the faith, pray, writing the white house and hope for the best.
I guess I rambled enough. I may write more tomorrow start the process all over again.
You call take care, pray for our government and keep the faith.
Shelly
Why don't the government help the people that they lay off due to furloughs find replacement jobs? No they won't help they are so stuck on themselves, so concerned about not going on those expensive vacations, or helping some country out when ours is suffering.
We voted these people into office and how do they repay us. We loose our jobs. We loose our lively hood. I am so tired of for every time I try to take a step forward to better myself and life. We have people unwilling to cooperate that pushes us back a few more steps. Life is hard enough as it is.
I know I am rambling but it is just freaking hard. I try not to worry about things and keep hoping for the best. If this sequestration/furlough goes through it means moving back in with my mom and trying to take whatever job comes my way and to finish school when I can. My health is another issue I just cannot afford to do without insurance. I cannot get help for being a diabetic because I am not pregnant or old enough to get assistance. I cannot afford $550 month rent, utility bills, plus my own personal bills. I am already spending more than I make and I am trying to make it on my own without much help from anyone.I know I am not the only one in this boat. I want a house of my own, no more renting, how in the world will I be able to afford a house at my age when this is going on. I feel like that dream just has been killed.
I am trying to keep the faith, pray, writing the white house and hope for the best.
I guess I rambled enough. I may write more tomorrow start the process all over again.
You call take care, pray for our government and keep the faith.
Shelly
Monday, February 18, 2013
Feb. 18, 2013
Dear ex-roommate
I love you but really I don't know who you think you are, or what gives you the right to ask me if I want you to pay my rent. Where did you get the idea I would allow you to move back into the house. Your smart remarks about finding another place to live was really uncalled for and for calling me an ASS.
Why would I want you to move back in with me? For the sake of rent. I told you $550 per month, bills run me around $400. Everything would be split down the middle. You think that is to much and that you can rent a house for what I was asking for. Your an idiot. It is okay I don't want you to move back in anyhow. I never asked you to. You did not like it when I answered your question with a question. I am sorry that hurt your little feelings but you moved out to be with another woman which hurt me every time I seen you 2 together. So yeah the warning light came on when you asked if I wanted you to pay my rent again, reminding me that you only be here for 2 of those weeks out of a month. You did not think and misunderstood but that is okay again your an idiot and that you think so little of me.
I pay more out my ass for a house that I cannot really afford to rent, plus the house bills and my personal bills. And now I am looking for a 2nd income on top of finishing school and trying to stay healthy and stop this inconsistent coughing. I gave up Wow and trying to fix the middle room into a craft/library/office for when I have to work from home and other luxury items in life due to my truck payment and personal bills have taken over
I do not will not be dependent on a man, woman or my son to help me out. I will make or fail on my own. I would never ask another person for $550 per month plus half the bills for them to live with me. I am not that greedy or whatever it is you want to call it. I want to be fair and not have someone to think I am trying to get more out of them than I deserve. I just want them to do their part, what they promised they said they would do.
I may not know how you feel about me but I know how you treat me and it was not in a nice way or the way I deserve.
I won't let the past repeat itself. I will not allow you say that the house smells like dog feces and urine, you tell me that after the fact someone told you the house smelled and it embarrassed you. but you never think about the times you embarrassed me or how you treated me, talked to me. I will not be accused of kicking you off the internet, downloading things when your playing WOW, I will not allow someone to call me an Ass, rude, selfish, inconsiderate etc. I don't want to hear you tell me to find someone else or that is okay to be someone one but if they disrespect you that you would be the crap out of them, pay for someone to clean the house or hear that I buy the food you don't like and so forth.
You stiffed me on 2 months rent, so again I cannot trust, depend or rely on you to do what your suppose to do. I got the washer, dryer, & refrigerator plus behind on my medical bills in exchange. You had the audacity to take a weight from my house because you assumed it was yours that you left it here. I allowed you to you use my internet because your sister did what I did. That is how you repay my kindness. You took the shed I said you can have but you never told me you took it. I thought someone had stolen it. You called not to check on me but to make sure your dog was taken care of, you at one point accused me of being mean to your dog. You let mine out and I almost lost sassy. I am surprised that you did not shut them in a room without food and water or shut them in my bedroom period. As pay backs for whatever you think I done to your dog.
I tried to tell you about my childhood, my marriages and my dad but you acted like you did not want to listen, that you was not really that interested in my life or in me. I tried to get you go home with me to my moms so that you can see why I am the way I am, or to help my mom out with the house but again you found away out and go do things with other people than the one that asked you 1st or that you cared about if you ever cared about me at all. Yeah I am the rude and inconsiderate person.
Your a better person than me. I am so angry with you it is pathetic. I know your a better person than that but you will not see that in yourself. Have a nice life.
I love you but really I don't know who you think you are, or what gives you the right to ask me if I want you to pay my rent. Where did you get the idea I would allow you to move back into the house. Your smart remarks about finding another place to live was really uncalled for and for calling me an ASS.
Why would I want you to move back in with me? For the sake of rent. I told you $550 per month, bills run me around $400. Everything would be split down the middle. You think that is to much and that you can rent a house for what I was asking for. Your an idiot. It is okay I don't want you to move back in anyhow. I never asked you to. You did not like it when I answered your question with a question. I am sorry that hurt your little feelings but you moved out to be with another woman which hurt me every time I seen you 2 together. So yeah the warning light came on when you asked if I wanted you to pay my rent again, reminding me that you only be here for 2 of those weeks out of a month. You did not think and misunderstood but that is okay again your an idiot and that you think so little of me.
I pay more out my ass for a house that I cannot really afford to rent, plus the house bills and my personal bills. And now I am looking for a 2nd income on top of finishing school and trying to stay healthy and stop this inconsistent coughing. I gave up Wow and trying to fix the middle room into a craft/library/office for when I have to work from home and other luxury items in life due to my truck payment and personal bills have taken over
I do not will not be dependent on a man, woman or my son to help me out. I will make or fail on my own. I would never ask another person for $550 per month plus half the bills for them to live with me. I am not that greedy or whatever it is you want to call it. I want to be fair and not have someone to think I am trying to get more out of them than I deserve. I just want them to do their part, what they promised they said they would do.
I may not know how you feel about me but I know how you treat me and it was not in a nice way or the way I deserve.
I won't let the past repeat itself. I will not allow you say that the house smells like dog feces and urine, you tell me that after the fact someone told you the house smelled and it embarrassed you. but you never think about the times you embarrassed me or how you treated me, talked to me. I will not be accused of kicking you off the internet, downloading things when your playing WOW, I will not allow someone to call me an Ass, rude, selfish, inconsiderate etc. I don't want to hear you tell me to find someone else or that is okay to be someone one but if they disrespect you that you would be the crap out of them, pay for someone to clean the house or hear that I buy the food you don't like and so forth.
You stiffed me on 2 months rent, so again I cannot trust, depend or rely on you to do what your suppose to do. I got the washer, dryer, & refrigerator plus behind on my medical bills in exchange. You had the audacity to take a weight from my house because you assumed it was yours that you left it here. I allowed you to you use my internet because your sister did what I did. That is how you repay my kindness. You took the shed I said you can have but you never told me you took it. I thought someone had stolen it. You called not to check on me but to make sure your dog was taken care of, you at one point accused me of being mean to your dog. You let mine out and I almost lost sassy. I am surprised that you did not shut them in a room without food and water or shut them in my bedroom period. As pay backs for whatever you think I done to your dog.
I tried to tell you about my childhood, my marriages and my dad but you acted like you did not want to listen, that you was not really that interested in my life or in me. I tried to get you go home with me to my moms so that you can see why I am the way I am, or to help my mom out with the house but again you found away out and go do things with other people than the one that asked you 1st or that you cared about if you ever cared about me at all. Yeah I am the rude and inconsiderate person.
Your a better person than me. I am so angry with you it is pathetic. I know your a better person than that but you will not see that in yourself. Have a nice life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)