Thank GOD it is Friday.
I am tired. I am having a hard time remembering any time in my adult life and childhood where I, myself and family were ever happy. I keep look at these self help articles on line. How to become a happy person, a more positive person,It is much harder than you think it is. I have looked past my life as of today. Do I remember a time in my life when I was ever happy. I don't. Do I remember my family ever having good and happy times. Again I don't. I wonder why that is.
My family was very, very dysfunctional growing up. I was always compared to someone in the family or outside the family. My dad tried to keep me sheltered which I think now a parent should never shelter a child. I have more memories of my mom and dad fighting, separating getting back together. Then when I got old enough my dad started be strict with me, hum not sure I want to say strict. All I knew if I looked the wrong way I got smacked. If I defended myself or someone I got smacked. I got smacked for giving a dirty look. My dad and I got into it physical once, I have flash backs of him doing that to my mom, but he has never as far as I know done that to my brother. I try not to dwell on all of this but I do. Maybe I should blog about my past and the things I have done. I have forgotten some of it so may have to embellish a bit, but it would be 90% truth.
I am trying to finish my certification courses, sucks because there is not enough time in the evenings go to back through the recordings to get all the information and to do the labs. 40 hours of class time in to the evenings no such luck. I have tried I want to try to put myself on a schedule but that is mute point because I never stick to it. I never stick to anything and finish what I have started. I really would love to change that.
Now these self help articles to become more happy and postive. How many times in a day can say I love myself, I am a good person, I am beautiful before you feel like your vain or become tired of hearing yourself talk about you. I am told to meditate and prayers okay. When does a person have time to do that. You get up, shower, get ready for work. You come home from work, cook and pick up then what forget about life, tv etc you study. I wish my brain had more absorbancy to let everything sink in. And now I am suppose to look the good into everything I see and do, does not matter if it is bad or good. I just have to see the good in life.
I have nothing to say when I am around people. And when I do I feel like I am talking about me to much and I am complaining being negative. I need to hang around more positive people, but would that be boring at times. Hum Maybe.
I will post more at a later date. May I just try to post somethings of my child hood, teen and adult life. It will sound just as mixed up as I do.
