Nov. 29, 2012

School sucks. I am about ready to through my laptop with the ebook out the door. I have done this problem more than 3 times now. I have lost track of how many times I have redone this problem.

Why do the men that come into my life, helped gave me life don't want me? What is wrong with me other than my current health problems. Is it because I am not the person they wanted me to be, or something else. I don't know. I feel like I am here for them more than for me.

I have got to learn how to take care of me and be there for me, if that seems selfish so be it. I have always put others before me and I am the one that is left out in the cold. I will get into details at a later date.

I am going to try to work on my school some more.

Nov 27, 2012

I am a pain in the butt. I have feelings for my next door neighbor but I need to leave him alone. He does not want me or think of me in the same way I want and think of him. I am just someone to have sex with and then leave to go back to his house. I am such a wimp. I really wish I can find someone like him you know one of those men that can do just about anything but master of none, someone who is strong physically, but even stronger mentally and emotionally, someone who will not hurt me or harm me. Yes we will have our arguments but as long as we don't blame each other and recognize who is at fault things should be okay. I mean you all know what I am trying to say.

I did something stupid. I asked him if he wanted to go with me to my Mom's not smart thing for me to do right. He would not go any how, never went with me when we lived together. I love going to my moms but the ride can be a bit boring yes I have my little dogs with me but still be nice to have human to chat with besides singing to the radio going down the highway. No kidding. I take that back about the something stupid - well I did 2 stupid things. I already mentioned one which should been the 2nd stupid thing. The 1st stupid thing was that I let him into my house and bed. Big mistake, if felt really good to be held and petted, comforted etc and I want more that but I am not going to get it. I feel numb and dumb at times because I keep trying for something that will not ever, is not going to, no way in hell happen. We will not ever get back together no matter how much I want it or what my feelings are. My heart wants it to happen but my head said nope. Not going to happen.

Why would any man want me? I have HSV1 & HSV2 both oral and gentil herpes. I am trying to be positive about things but really hard. I also have Type 2 diabetes. Off and on UTI, Urinary Tract Infections and who knows what else. Oh I cough a lot not sure if that is silent reflux or asthama but the doctor thinks it is the silent reflux. I even have accidents. It is not fun having Diabetes and I know I am not managing it well. I care yet at the same time I don't.

I sometimes don't mind being alone but yet I do. I sometimes feel like I need to have someone around due to the diabetes other times I am okay. I just need to take better care of me. It is going to tell on me sooner or later.

Any how I am a very independent person. I am so afraid to depend on someone else because in the past no one has been there or wants to be there even if they could. I can go ask for help but I am left waiting and waiting for someone but nothing happens. I have major hard time trusting someone or believing them. They have to kind of have to prove that I can I mean. If you say your going to help or do something with me, mean it don't say it and never follow through. If I ask you for help and you say yes, please mean it dont just say it to get me off your back and to satisfy me.

I guess I should get off here and get back to work. I do miss playing WOW and I am wishing I can get my school out of the way. I am worrying about that as well, plus my unfinished projects and the other projects I want to get started on, lol. I am only human.

How can we humans turn off our emotions, or feelings for another human being? To me that sounds cold hearted, like the person is made of rock due to the lack of laughter, love, crying, anger etc. I could not live that way.I want to be loved and I am a very emotional person. I cry, I hurt, I get angry and laugh. That is part of being alive.

Now I am taking crap I am getting off of here.

Nov 21, 2012

I miss my ex-roommate. I wish he was back in my life. If I cannot have him I want someone like him in my life. I miss having someone sleeping with me, snuggle with me on the sofa watching a movie or just snuggling.

I don't want someone to pay my rent, truck payments etc. Yes it be nice to have a roommate to help out but I am getting to the stage that I wonder if it is worth it.

All I pray for is my health to improve, finish school and to bring my ex-roommate or someone like him into my life. I really think I ask for to much but I am trying. I just hope something good comes out of it all.

I will catch you later.

Goodnight

Nov. 19, 2012

I have discovered that I am in love with my exroommate. I am not sure what to do about that.

Nov. 21, 2012

I have my doctors appointment at 10 am. I hope everything comes out good.

How do you let someone go? How do you find a new love when your still in love with someone else? I am so badly hurting and really wanting to let go, to find someone who is willing to be there for me, not afraid of life. I know me and my exroommate/boyfriend will not get back togther, my head is constantly telling me this but my heart hopes that we can work on things and get back together.

My dreams are of no concern or matter to another human being only to me. I am trying not to let that bother me but it does. I guess my only worth to a man is to have sex with then get up and leave. I am such a fool and I am stupid.

I guess I will complain some more later in the day. I wish that my ex would come back to me. I want him to love me.

Shelly

Nov 19, 2012

What to do with myself? I have no clue. I have realized that I am in love with my ex-roommate who is now my neighbor. I don't think he feels the same for me. I know for a fact he does not feel the same for me. I have given him the site to my blogs so he can read my emotions. I know there will be some blogs he should not read but I want him to know who I am and how I feel.

I miss my ex-roommate holding me at night, falling asleep in his arms. I miss having him here watching him play his WOW, I miss playing WOW lol. I miss me and him trying to snuggle on the sofa to watch tv. My sofa is not that big and we are 2 big people. I ache for him, my heart beats for this person, use to be I did not want to come home now I cannot way for him to come home. I sound like a adolescent  teenager.

I write my feelings down better than I can tell ya. Yeah I am a chicken but I am trying to change that as well. I hope he forgives me for the blogs I have written but the majority of them were done in anger. This is only way I know how to release my stress, frustration and anxieties. Sometimes it helps other times it does not. I constantly worry.

Any how. I feel like if I am with another man or try to be with another, I feel like I am cheating on someone who left me. Is this a normal feeling? I know living next door does not help but what do I do. I do not have the money to move to another house. I am more or less stuck here.

I pray to God, Universe help me to find someone to replace him or show him his way back to me. I cannot promise things would be the same as before or worse but I know I have trust issues and I need to be able to believe in a person. I have only found 1 other person that I can believe in.

I sometimes wonder if my diabetes and other health issues makes it hard for a man to be with me. I have both types of herpes 1 and 2. This is something I could have contracted from swimming in polluted water or maybe I got it from someone in my past or maybe my ex because he has cheated on me.

I am trying to work on my school still. I have had to ask help from the instructors but he does not always get back with me like I wanted him too. I have managed to figure out something but this I am going have to figure out as well.

I keep thinking about the ex-roommate if you cannot tell from the way I write. I just pray that something good will come out of and God will help me work through my issues and I hope he works through his issues to, and I hope that he loves me too.

I guess that is enough for now. I will try to post more.

Take care shelly

Oct 22, 2012

I have posted many things here mostly it ws in hurt and anger towards my exroommate. I have come to the conclusion that I still have feelings for my exroommate.

I know I need to forget about him, get over him but how do I do that? Do I find someone just like him? Do I take him back if he wants to come back? I don't know I am confused.

I pray to GOD that if my exroommate was meant for me, show him his way back into my life. Open his heart up for me, or GOD can you find me someone like him either way.

I miss sleeping and waking up in his arms. I miss having my bed full, lol between the dogs and people. I have thought about getting a larger bed but no one seems to notice or listen to me. I miss having someone in the house with me.

My current roommate left moved out with out notice. Then he cries because I told him the neighbor may not work on his car because me moved out and that is in the yard. Then he cries because he paid $275 his share of the rent. Really He paid rent to have his car left behind. It makes it hard to mow the yard because you cannot start it or move it. I am looking for another roommate but not sure if I want another. I would love to have my mom moved down with me her and the dogs. The landlord will or will not complain to much as long as I keep it clean and no chewing on the woodwork. I know my mom would feel better if she was here with me. My son I think is fighting depression, and blames my mother and I for us for moving back in with her and that he thinks his life is over.

I have been going through a lot lately. I am not sure if you want to call it dating or not but I have been going out with a co-worker he is nice and all but I don't have any feeling for him other than friendship. I don't think of him in any other way. I cannot afford to loose my job or make my job uncomfortable to work in.

I have been praying to GOD for someone to coming to my life be it the exroommate, or someone like him. To help me may the payments on my vehicle, and to get my mom down here so I can take care of her.

I will try to post more at a later time.

Shelly

October 14. 2012

I have come to the conclusion that I fell in love with my ex-roommate. I did not know I had such strong feelings for someone until just now. I know he will not ever, cannot, and does not return those feelings. I am thinking and dwelling to much on this and him.

I cannot change things and how they are. I really wish I can move on now, find someone else and just be happy no matter what. It is so hard to do it all.

I guess this is enough for now. I am not sure what else I can say or do. It just know that I hurt so much.

Sep 10, 2012

Please why should I give other men chances? I know that people tell me that all men are not the same but for some reason I keep finding my dad, 1st ex husband, 2nd ex husband or any of my ex's boyfriends/lovers/etc. It seems like they have one, two, three or all three personalities. I try not to compare a man to my past experiences but it is really hard not too. It is just when I think I am over something that was done to me, they would do something that would bring it all back.

I try not to be judgmental of everyone but it is very hard. I know I am being compared to this person and that person. Why can't I be like so and so? If so and so can do this or that, does that mean I have to or should? Life is just confusing and hard. I am so sorry if I hurt anyone in anyway and I hope to God that I am forgiven. I am so sorry if I have not ever given you a chance, it is me i am just scared of letting anyone in anymore.

Or maybe it is me and people in general I have problems with. I sometimes feel like I need to go to counselling to find out how neurotic I really am or maybe I am just anti social in general. I have not posted in here a long time. I guess I really need to get back into this. I am not sure how much of help it really is but I guess but it is good way of getting things off my chest.

ExRoommate Boyfriend whatever you were to me

I am talking to you this way because I still get to emotional to talk and Sunday I just could not talk to you or get way from you fast enough and I do not know how to talk to you without getting emotional and you really don't like that nor do you care.

Define the word Like me? Why did you like me? Your words never match your actions. I have felt that you never really liked me nor did I feel like you really cared for me.

 

Do I believe that you like me for me? No. You wanted me to be more like you & sister. 

Do I believe that you like me so that I would help you and your family? Yes, my family never really mattered you had one set of rules for my me and family and none for yours.  

Do I believe that you wanted me and someone else at the same time? Yes, just had that feeling. 

Do I believe that you treated me like my dad who took his frustration out on me and my mom due to stress, anger etc? Yes, accept you never hit me you just did it is emotionally and mentally. The only good thing was that you never hit me because that would have been a big mistake and something I wont cower from.

Do I believe your like both my ex's that the only time you spent with me was when you wanted, felt like or need something? Yes, I was there more for you than anything else.

Do I believe your like my 2nd ex? Yes because of the anger & frustration problems.

Do I believe you had sex with me and someone else while you was living with me (I had several someones before you to do that to me, only wanted a friend with benefit but never a benefit to me only to them)? Yes, I did not deserve to be treated that way. I deserve someone who really wants me, willing to hang out with me. When did you hang out with me of your own free will, did something I wanted to even though you would not have or did not like it. Never!!!

Do I believe that I can trust you , depend on and that you will keep your word? No, you never done any of that. You broke your word to me several times. You have given me every reason in the world to distrust you. I could not really depend on you, everything was to be done in your own time and in your way other words when you felt like it.

Do I believe that I can come to you for anything and help? No, you have proven to me that I can only depend up on myself. I have asked for help, advice on finding mechanics, parts etc for my truck, but I either got no answer or just plain ignored. I even tried to get you to work on the truck when you was at the shop and I would have paid for it. I even asked you for help for my mom, I got nothing from you but empty and broken words.

Do I believe you had any feelings for me at all, that you cared? No, you were with involved someone else but had sex with me and me being dumb I allowed. I allowed a lot of things that should not have happened but kept my mouth shut because I did not want the arguments and such.

Do I believe we were ever in a relationship? No never did because you had someone else and you did not want a relationship with me, we were only friends. (Me being there for you but you never there for me). I was more of a friend with benefit. 

 

Do I believe that you fixed my truck as a courtesy? No. You fixed my truck for another reason and I did not ask you to. I have been after you to fix the belt on the truck, the ball joints or struts, another rim etc,  even when you worked at the shop. I just stopped asking, I have even stop asking for you to help me find a mechanic to get it fixed even after you left the shop. I just stopped asking you for anything when you never responded or followed through when you said you would. I do not have the time nor the energy to nag someone to get something done or to put up with someone giving me an attitude from the nagging.

Why do you like me still? You made it plain you wanted nothing to do with me you even blocked me from your phone. So I have left you and your family alone. And now you have girl friend, someone else you was interested or whatever you want to call it. My feelings never really mattered anyhow. So why do you expect me to continue to ask you for help? So you can tell me no, your busy, you will in your own time and so forth. You also made it plain that your sister did not want me texting or anything else of that nature so I assumed you did not want us to be friends either, I have deleted her number from my phone book as well. So I have left you all alone the best I could. 

You hurt me really bad. I am not hung up on my ex's I just have major trust issues. Nor will I go back with them. I have done a lot to help you and your family out. And I have done whatever you wanted, movies, restaurants and I was never asked what i wanted to go see or do. All I got for my being nice, caring about you , and helping people is my truck tore up in more ways than one, being called names, screwed out of 2 months rent, and a few other things along with someone taking their frustration, problems & stress out on me and my pets (I was never mean to Tip, accept when I grabbed him by the scruff of his neck to push him off of me). You never ever kept your word to me or to my family (keeping your word was what mattered the most to me than anything else you have done to me). All I got was nothing from you and some accusations. Before you think to bring up the refrigerator, washer & dryer and other charges. You need to think about me taking off my job to take you to yours, loaning your sis my truck and you driving my truck when you worked at the shop, and paying her rent when I tried to pay for my half of the rent. I have also paid months rent plus the bills when you got the washer & dryer; having to give up some personal bills and other things to make sure major bills get paid not counting the stuff you put me through. I am not going to continue because this is pointless and you never really cared. Not once, NOT ONCE did I complain about any of it and maybe I should have but you know it would not have made a difference because you did not care about me at all. 

How can I believe that you still like me when you moved out? Had another girl friend or someone else you was interested in. I know you were never interested in me & you took your stress, frustration, etc out on me and my pets. I just cannot believe you still like me and if it is the truth I have to wonder why. I honestly don't understand people, men. I should not have ever asked you about the truck. I don't have a boyfriend, or anyone else. I am just tired of finding the same type of men over and over again. I am not sleeping with anyone or sleeping around. I just don't want a man in my life anymore.

I will not be made to fill small and insignificant, like I don't matter not by you or anyone else. I am playing WOW again when I can afford it, finishing school and getting a 2nd opinion on my health and going back to Church. I have deleted you from WOW and off my phone.

You have a good life and please leave me alone. 

Shelly D. Scott
ShellyBautista@hotmail.com

 boy

Jun. 6, 2012

My son. I know you think you are a man now and that your following your own path. I know you need to make your own mistakes so you can learn life's lessons but there are some lessons I wish you would never know. Like not having a job to go to, or finding work because you think quitting is the answer and taking a chance on going to your dad's what if you do not get a job down there, you wont have one to come back to. What if you gave them your 2 weeks notice on your current job but you did not find a job and they won't give you yours back. I just want you to think before leaping into something you do not know what may or may not happen.

It is not that I don't have faith in you. I just want you to really think about what your going to do with your life and make it the life you want to have.

I love you my son, just wish you would listen and consider my thoughts and feelings on this but I know that will not happen. I sometimes feel like you do not really care about anyone me, your grandmother or anyone else.

I wish you the best in this world have a nice life.

I love you,
Love mom

May 24, 2015 letter to exroommate

I have seen/known it from the time we moved in together that you never really had any feelings for me at all, that you never really cared.  Your actions never matched the words that you spoke. I was the stupid one for believing that you were totally different though your past was not perfect. You are just the same as my dad, ex's and no I will not be or stay with anyone with those traits any more I would rather live alone than keep putting myself through this time after time. It is like having been a war, you think you have forgotten but something happens, noise etc and it all comes back.

I started to loose all respect for you as a person, I could not ever trust you with anything and your constant mood swings, and I could not ever believe in anything you had to say. You never ever kept your word to me which was a major turn off, comparing me to your sister & othesr another major turn off, as well as the other things I have just listed. You did not understand my being a diabetic, you thought I could be just like you in so many ways, but I am not you, you compared me to Jay and your Sister did you not ever realize that I was just me. Nope. You were not my ex's either but you did a lot of things that reminded me of them including my dad. I never told you how I felt because I dont knoow how many times you told me you did not care, or I just did not want to fight with you about it because I was always in the wrong and you were always right.

You put charges against the rent you owe to me. You owe me this respect & consideration which I never got from you and your sister. I never walked into her house done as I please I never insulted her over the dogs or the state of mess her house was in, how she raised her kids. It was okay for her to call the dog food I bought Tip crap, the furniture I brought back from my moms junk or crap. It was okay because you thought it was, but I am not to talk like that to her. How about the times I took off my job to take you to yours, the blow out on my truck when you drove 90 mile an hour down the road that tore off my bumper & mud flap, the dome light all of these you said you would fix but never did. I had to put gas in my truck when you and your sister ran it out because I did not have anough to get me thru the week or day to work. Or how about the emotional and mental abuse that I received due to the internet or something stupid. I even paid rent and bills when you got the washer & dryer. I even paid your sisters rent when I tried to pay for my half of the rent - but that was not how you wanted to do things. As for me getting my way and getting what I want. I worked hard for everything I got. No one, no man, woman or child has helped me to get where I am at now. It was okay for you to tell me that to treat your sister like family but when I asked you not to cause a scene I got the meanest, dirtiest look (honestly that is what my dad did to me and he too did not care). It was okay tell me it was not okay for your sister to be without a vehicle but hinted it was okay for me to be without mine so she would not miss work or run her kids here and there. I done alot for you and your sister but to have you treat me with disregard or like a pile of shit that was just wrong. You took whatever problem you had with me out on my dogs, you accused my mom and us not training them very well. You basically put my family down but it was not okay for me to say anything negative to you about your family and kids. How many times did I take care of Tip, clean up after dog crap and piss at the apartment and at the house. I did not complain maybe a little dramatic at times but really. You said you would help my mom when they almost burnt the house down, u said we would go one weekend but dumped us for your sister to move a piano that never happened. You wanted to go to my moms on a Saturday & come back on a Sunday that was not really fair to me when I don't get to see her every day. Everything was done when you wanted & when you felt like it. You had rules for my family if they moved down here but none for your family. You called me rude, inconsiderate, selfish and a few other words but I think that how you was describing yourself because that is how you treated me.

 

I did not know I had herpes until I just decided to get checked, I thought my health problems were due to the urniary tract infection that never went away & the constant yeast infections. My aunt who is a diabetic is having the same problems as I am and she has only been with one person her entire life. My being a diabetic complicates my life something you don't understand, or maybe you just did not care to understand. I did or use to get blisters on my lips when I was younger from swimming in the lakes, my mom did have that checked out at that time they did not diagonis it as being herpes they said it was due to the pollution in the lakes so who knows how long I have had or where I got it. Did you know you can have herpes & never know until you have a breakout. Mine is from my diabetes my system being so low and down. Being a diabetic means my imune system is affected.

You are mean spirited, cold hearted man who treats people in a bad way. Some day Karma is going to bite you in the rear end. You do people wrong it will come back to hit you 10 times as hard as what you did to them.

I hope you and your girlfriend make but honestly you are going to do her the way you have done other women - bcz you think it is okay. You have no respect for others nor for yourself and I feel sorry for you because of it.

Shelly D. Scott
620-870-8506
ShellyBautista@hotmail.com

May 03, 2012

I am so angry. I just figured if I posted why I am angry and who I am angry at it may help relieve some of it. I think my blogging is helping me some but I still feel like I am whining, gripping, complaining or whatever you want to call it. I do not want people to feel sorry for me.

I want to send Mr. Ronald Craig Thompson emails, call him tell him yes you are abusive persons, that you used me for your benefit and your sisters benefit, you lied to me I know you had sex with me and someone else, and you never kept your word to me or my family, but I was expected to keep my word to you and to your family. You also are a cheat you, owed me 2 months rent plus part of another, used the washer, dryer & refrigerator as an excuse to not pay what you owe. I have followed you and your family like a faithful puppy, eating where you wanted to eat, watching movies you wanted be it at home or theater, not once did any of do anything I wanted to do when asked. I paid for your freaking payperview movies, tried to fix the foods you like but you still were not happy. I don't think you know how to be happy or how to treat people. Now you have a girl friend, i bet you were having sex with her and me both, now your like the ex's. You have called me rude, inconsiderate, selfish now I am nuts, crazy, and wacko. Yes your like my father now. How about the time you took crap out on me at the shop, or accussing me of wanting to be with someone else, I am a nice person just wanted to please people but I guess you could not see that. I even passed up an opportunity to get network experience because you was afraid I ws going to have sex with someone, hum that sounds alot like you dont it.

I to can come up with expenses, how about the many times you and your sister forgot to come get me on my job I had wait at least 2 hrs for you guys, or the many times you had me waiting for you on my job to come get me, or the gas I had to put back in to my vehicle because you both ran it on empty almost and left me none to get back to work on. Or how about the time I took off my job to take you to your job, I put more gas in my truck to get you and come back home on than what you think. Not counting how you tore my truck up, blowing out my tire by driving 90 miles per hour down the road. Or how about you breaking my dome light huh. You said you would fix those but never did, you expected me to nag you to get things. If I nagged you would have gotten pissted, if I did not nag you you got pisst, if I told how i felt about your treatment to me you would have gotten pisst, and so forth. It seems no matter what you got pisst at me. I even tried to pay half the rent you took that rent to pay for your sisters, fine. That is too okay. Then I am paying rent and bills, covering your butt on the rent. Still I get crapped on, being nice to your sister and helping her when I could, still you crapped on me. It was okay for you to bring Tipp in the house letting him chew on my insence sticks, a straw and shit and piss in the house or in my apartment never did you say much about that but my dogs yes you did. You said I got my way all the time no I do not. I worked for whatever it is I have and got.

How many times did you take your frustration out on me, and I think you found things to start a fight.  It was either the internet, thinking I kicked you off, or downloading things etc. Then I got the dogs those were another excuse for you to take shit out on me. I think you would have found something to take your anger out on me about. You said you was not doing that but you have to realize AT&T was not there and my dogs cannot defend themselves, you even blamed my mom for not potty training them properly gee if i said anything like that you or your sister you would have gotten pisst at me. I cannot say anything to you, or talk to you about anything without you getting pisst. You made up rules for me and my family but none for you and your family.

You never went to meet my mom so how do you know how or what the house smells like. I have asked you to help me figure out the wiring on the house and roof so I could help my mom, asked you for help on my truck but no u never answered or really wanted to do anything with me or for me and my family that would be to much for your lazy ass to do.

I guess That is enough for now but I know I have more I would like to say, but I have to get back to work.

April 20, 2012

They say April showers brings May flowers, but they did not say when it rains it pours. I have had to fix my truck yesterday about to loose my rear end, not really but felt like the monks were chasing me every now and then. My exhaust pipe on my muffler about fell off so every time I hit a bump I would here a ding sound. Then I went for a walk came home to turn on my dryer guess what. It did not want to start, like rats. I could not get the plate off the back to see if lent was causing the problem or if there was a belt busted.

I am one of those if I can fix it myself I will do so, calling repair man is the last resort.

I keep having this weird feeling that the ex roommate will want to move back in. I hope to god that is wrong feeling. I do want someone else in my life to call me weird, waco, nuts etc. I am a very emotional person. When I am upset or mad I throw things and I scream like a shrew. I do not blame people for my failings but I get blamed for theirs.

Now I said I don't want another man, but it be nice to find someone. I do not want someone to abuse me, call me names, or try to make me feel little. I also don't want someone to come in and threaten me or my pets. I do not deserve that, no woman does. For some reason I keep finding these men that has had some sort of past life history of mental illness, craziness etc. I also love the men that when you tell them your financial problems bam, they are asking for your account information. Please help me to collect this money from this person. All I need is a bank account, and the rest of ur info. Dude I am not stupid. But you try to explain things to them and they don't listen. They are either foreigners or american in a foreign land. I am stuck here, i am being kidnapped etc. I just dont believe them unless they can show my proof of the tragedy in their lives.

I am still looking for a roommate. I have not found one you. I do not even talk to his sister. I guess she believed him and whatever texts he showed her. I never bashed him or talked down to him. I do complain about how i am treated either here on in facebook. I asked her (his sis) if I filled her head full of crap. She said she was not going to get in the middle of it and something else about bashing. I just called her, did not speak to her but left voice mail because that is what I got. I told I am sorry for whatever it is I have said, or ask probably should not have said or asked and I will not bother you anymore. I have kept my word.

I do keep my word to the best of my ability, but tired of those that do not. I am tired of asking for help and told I cannot, will not , do not want to or I am in the middle of something. What gets me is they expect me to drop what I am doing for them and if don't then I am rude, ill mannered, etc. My dogs were treated badly because I was supposedly mean to his but you know I don't remember being mean to his dog (ex roommate). No I don't want someone else right now.

I am now considering bankruptcy just to get out of debt. I am tired of the majority of my money going to doctor bills, taxes, credit card, student loans, plus the regular bills. I was told by the attorney I am border line for chapter 7 but may qualify for chapter 13. So I have to get 6 months worth of check stubs, and 3 months of bank statements plus my credit report. It be nice to repair what credit I do have. I was told that if I filed bankruptcy my chances of becoming a federal employee will be hard. I do know I cannot file on my student loans which will give me a chance to rebuild my credit which is good.

I guess i fill up a month plus on what is going on. I have more to say but I better get back to work.

March 31, 2012

I wish I was stronger person. I am so tired of being weak. I have lost myself again.

I don't know what else to say. I guess I will feel sorry for myself.

March 30, 2012

Well I done it again. I found another man who wants me to be a friend with benefit while he is interested in someone else. I don't think so. We can be friends but without the benefit. I am no one toy. I have news for him no more sex. No more anything. I have been more of a friend to him and his family than he has been to mine.

Why do I keep finding men that are that way? All they want to do is use you, abuse you, cheat on you and lie to you. They never mean what they say unless they speak to you in anger then that is when their true feelings come out.

OH I finally had an STD test. Yes it came back positive for herpes type 2. I have no idea who gave it to me. I have also found out that my Aunt who has the same type of symptoms I have has them too. She has only been with her husband and after he passed away which I would say over 20 years ago, and no one else has herpes too. Guess what she is a diabetic as well. So I am not sure if I got mine from someone else or it is another complication due to my being a diabetic. I keep having urinary tract infections as well. Another complication to being a diabetic.

I came home my 1st home to be with  my mom and son for a week. I had to take off work, 40 hrs of vacation or loose it. I have had a blast. I was going to down size some more but did not accomplish much. I visited with my mom, helped her out some. I also spent some time with my son when he was not working. We went to see Hunger Games it was good movies. I spend to much money when I come to my moms and go out with my son. lol. I wish I can hep my mom out some more with the house and things. I feel so bad and guilty.

I will be going back home tomorrow. I have to get back in time to pay the landlord the rent. I wish I could fix my mess and find a house of my own.

Any how I hope and pray things go good for everyone. I know I need to post more here and it seems like the only time I post anything is when I am in a sad or bad mood. I will try to do better.

Take care,
Shelly

Mar. 10, 2012

I hate, I mean I really and truly hate all men. All they can do is nag, bitch, gripe or whatever it is you want to call about anything and everything. They can play loud music, talk to you how ever they want too, make you feel really small like.

Roommate wants to know why we are no longer close. I am not at his beck and call. He never does anything with me, for me nor can I depend on him. All I ever do is run after him and his sister. He can make up all the rules for someone to play by but when they do and they don't do what he wants he gets pisst. I am not allowed to get pisst or show any emotions. He keep threatening to move out.

On top of all this I had to fight with ATT to get my internet working. They said I had Uverse out here where I live. RIGHT!!! Not, could not get the internet connected or stay connected, roommate had an attitude with that and me on top of it all. It took me a whole week to get it fix, and all it had to do with is my account not showing up. I kept getting past around from one department to another. Dumbasses. Hey I kept telling you my account number is not working. Must be a mixture of men and blondes working together.

I also have to put up with other peoples rudeness on my job. I cannot talk on the phone without the coworker yelling for help, or the other fellow coworker not pitching in, thinks because he is on a release of some form means he does not have to help out when it is needed. We are short handed and my boss is having to help else where and others are either sick or have appointments to keep.

I am at the point in my life where I need to finish school, keep myself employeed, get out of debt and to find a house. I have my mom to worry about and my son who thinks he is a man but still a child. Does not yet know how to think like a human being.

I guess enough bitching. I will catch you all later. Night Night

Feb 7, 2012

Why do people think it is okay to take their crap out on me? Is it because I am handy, available or whatever. I don't know. I don't do anything to anyone I keep to myself as much as I can. I have learned not to ask for help, to go out with me, spend time with me etc. I have always been there for others but they are never there for me accept as a punching bag of sorts.

I am so freaking tired. I am yelled at because the internet does not work properly, the dogs pissing & shitting in the floor. For asking a question that someone does not like or giving the answer that they don't like. I am always the problem they never are the problem.

I want a house of my own. I really do. I just don't know how with such bad credit. I need to do so much stuff I have no idea where to start.

I will come back later.

Feb. 1, 2012

Hey bloggers. I hope your having a wonderful year so far. Can you believe it? We already have one month gone. Now do we hope the ground hog see's his shadow in the morning or not. It does not matter to me any more. Also this month is the LOVE month. I think it is another gimmick to get people to spend money on romantic notions. I don't if there is such a thing as love or not, I guess I don't believe it because I have not found it. I have found more jerks, assholes, wanna be lovers, cheats and abusers or those who r a combination of all. I will have to see about saving up my money this month to treat myself. I am going to put out a warning sign, cupid is not allowed here. lol.

I guess I am going to go, catch you all later.

Jan. 21, 2012

Well how is your New Year going? Mine is going okay, it seems like nothing has changed much accept the weather. Today it seems much colder out. I need to go to the store but I may just stay home and wait until Monday, go to the store after work.

My goals are to finish my school, finish my craft projects, work hard and play equally hard. My other goal is to become debt free, and more independent. I am so tired of people telling me they are going to this and that, but nothing really happens. I will not ask for help unless it is totally necessary but in the end I wind up doing things myself. I also want to find my happy place, where everything that comes my way good or bad my attitude stays upbeat in a good place. My mind tends to wander, thoughts of what I should have done, what if this or that had happen and so forth. I even have anger inside, which I wish I can dispel, not sure if that is the right word or if i spelled it correctly. I want my anger gone, to remain gone, not to keep holding in resentment at men, women in what they have done to me.

I woke up on the sofa today, lol. I have been going to bed. I do miss having a TV in the bedroom. I got a sinus cold, my eyes are burning, itchy feeling. I feel like I could lay down and sleep some more.

I want to try to work on my craft projects and maybe play a game. I need to get into a rountine, craft, studying and chatting on the computer during the week & on the weekends games, crafts and chatting. I have to fit in cooking and cleaning in here somewhere, plus my job. I know if I can get into a rountine I will fee much better, less chaotic.

My other goal is to save as much as I can this year, do without. Meaning if I dont have the money to do it or buy it do without until I have the money.

I need to go home (to Kansas, I call both homes in Oklahoma and Kansas home) to get some of my things brought back with me. I also need to take a week off work to thru alot of my things to get rid of lot of stuff, if someone else can refurbish or reuse it in some form I will be happy.

I know I have not posted much lately. I am working hard, and time I get home I don't want to do much of anything. I sometimes don't even want to chat on the computer or check my email when I get home, rather just sit watch tv and do something  else.

I hope you all are having a wonderful New Year and I hope to get into blogging more.

Take care
Shelly

Jan 03 2012

My Pet peeved for the day.
What is wrong with you men? You lets us drive a POS to work, don't even tell you the problems that the vehicle is having. Yet you want to user our cars for what ever purposes you need. If it breaks down on us we have to fix your cars, if ours break down on you we still have to fix our vehicle.

It is okay for you take off with our stuff, but if we take off with your stuff you want it right then and there. Stupid man takes my truck to use, but has my work tag in it. I had to get a stinking permit because the dumbass did not think about it and his thing when I called can you get a temporary badge. You know I should not have had to. You should have brought my vehicle back, the same day. Oh know that is to much hard work. Why? Because you  don't like to drive, your to f#$king lazing to do anything.

I am so tired of being treated like a f#$king outsider, of being there for your dumbass, and you cannot, will not ever be there for me.

I am sorry Bloggers I am just freaking ticked off.