Friday Nov 5 2014

I wish I was Wonder Woman. I mean I need at least several of me. I need one person to help me with my mom, go to the store and work for extra income.

I am so tired of having to worry about bills. Not ever having enough money to get buy, living from pay check to pay check. I keep hoping and praying it all gets better but sometimes it don't seem like that but deep down I know it will eventually.

I guess enough complaints for now.

Monday blues

Have you ever had one of those days where you cannot focus on one thing or several things? Or maybe your mind wanders so often that every time you corral it, it just jumps the fence. That is how my day went. I need to focus on my job and learning it better. How about that little voice in your head that won't ever shut up. IT is always going back to the past, or saying I should have done this, should have done and or shouldn't haves, you know the what if, should have and should not have situations. It is like watching reruns on TV, your constantly flipping the channels trying to find a better station. Some of the times I am telling that little voice to shut up. Don't always work but still I tell it to shut up, stop that or go away. 

Want to know what I was thinking? Are you sure? I a sure you it is quite boring. I was thinking of how to clean my house, which walls to work on washing down, how to fix my middle room up into a craft room and wondering how to get my used tv i got from a friend where I can play video games and or watch movies. Then I got to thinking about projects I want to get started on, then there are those I want to finish. 

Only thing is I never feel good. I am fighting exhaustion, sleep, head cold/sinuses and allergies. Those pesky quacks oops I mean doctors cannot figure out why I am coughing so much. I know I am tired of taking a pill for infection, then you have to take another pill to counter act with that, then you have to watch how those pills affects your sugar, mine is either to low but Sunday was really high. I blamed it on the chocolate malt I ate and the upset stomach I was trying to get to go away. Yes I have GERDs, acid reflux or whatever you want to call it, Herpes both types, Type 2 Diabetes. Yeah see what happens when you were wild in your younger years, it catches up.  

It would really be nice and awesome to wake up, sugar levels are stable, no spikes or extremes. The past is gone but not totally forgotten, there when you need to remember not to do that again, lessons learned. It be nice if my family and I got a long better. I don't care of mom and dad are divorced, just tired of the negativity. I am tired of people telling me what my mental stability is. I have a lot of responsibilities, yes I am stressed, Yes I am a bit depressed and I have tons of anxieties due to I worry to much and never learnt how not to.

Any how I have lots of projects to do and cleaning to do. I'm just not a very organized, discipline person. I rather work outside, ride horses (have to find a farm to do that) or  get chased by cows than clean the house. Yeah I miss certain parts of my childhood, do not miss the yelling and screaming but miss the animals and having lots to do. 

I guess I am a basket case, a nut. Oh well. I will talk to you all later. bye.

Crazy Woman putting it politely

I am not nuts, crazy or anything else. I am an emotional person. Everyone is so busy pointing out my faults when those same faults is their own. I won't deny that I have those same faults just tired of everyone pointing them out to me.

Well I don't know what to think or feel anymore. I was told I got an attitude today. I did not snap at anyone in the restaurant, got miffed when I was asking the waitress a question about what came with a plate and how many ribs came with it and the person I was with told me your not getting that. All I was asking at the time was a question. He wanted a family meal and tried to see if his sister wanted to come or not. Then he started to say something bout my attitude then I said I wanted to go home. I think the only time I snapped at him he stopped at another restaurant that was closed and he slammed his truck door. I had an attitude about that then and there but I let it dropped. He said i can pay for but then I would have to wait for him to finish.  I got up paid for my drink which he tired to pay for it.and I walked out the door.  Then he proceeded to yell at me some more and I told him I wanted to go home because I had the shakes. I am a diabetic, I did not eat well today and it dropped due to not eating and I got the shakes.

So everything is my fault not his. He pulled into another location and I said I just wanted to go home. He said I was in his truck he will go and do what he wants to, if I did not like it i can get out and walk so I did. So I am walking home with the shakes and luckily I did not faint or go into a coma.

So everything is still my fault no one wants me, etc., etc.

take care,
catch you later.

Living in the Now

How does one person live for today, not yesterday or tomorrow? I am still trying to figure that one out. I have lived with what my mom, dad, aunts and uncles have said. I am always telling that little voice in my head to be quiet.

I have several things I need to do. I need to take a portrait of myself to send to my dad, clean house do that fall cleaning.

I have no idea what I am talking about today I will probably sound like I am on drugs, drinking or both. I may be posting things off and on here. I use the blog post as my sounding board. I wonder if we become more nuts when we answer our own questions to ourselves. My dad is right about one thing, it takes discipline to make changes to do what you should be doing, at the same time  a person needs to have some fun, relaxation. A chance to realign ones self.

Now I am confused. Yack at you all later.

See I told you a be back that was short. Time 8:32 am Oct. 27, 2014. Lets see how long I will be back. LOL.

I miss shopping at the craft stores, book store and I do like home improvement stores. Maybe it is a good thing I don't visit junk oops I mean antique stores and thrift stores. I may find things I cannot live without of come up with projects that I never seem to start nor finish.

Time now 8:34 am Oct. 27, 2014. I am leaving now.

Daily complaints

How does a person cope with anger at life? I am always angry, stressed and worried about paying bills, money and food.

I have felt like I am on a emotional roller coaster. I have my mom to worry about, my health to worry about and I do worry about my son. I have no one I can talk to, no one to go to for help.I do wish I was at the stage where I can work 2 job instead of one. Right now that is how I feel.

I am told to accept what is as is, but it is very hard. I am told to meditate. I cannot sit still or keep my mind quiet for 1 hr or so. I am lucky if I can get my mind to be quiet for 2 seconds. I don't know how many times I have told myself to shut up.

I wish I can make those around me happy, mainly those that care about me. I wish I was happy. I wish for a lot of things - XBOX One, house of my own in the country, horse to ride for relaxation, rescue animals from abuse and neglect. I wish I can take better care of my mom, provide us with food on the table. I feel like it is depression times at the moment. I need to learn how to live off of beans and other legumes.

I also need to find a receipt from going to the Eye Dr.so that I can get my insurance to approve the spending for it. I have to call them in the morning. I also thought I had paid my DirectTv twice so I had to call them to make sure. I gave up my Wow subscription to pay bills and have food. I did not get everything I need at the store. So badly in the needs of socks, underwear, pants and shirts as well. 

Man I complain alot and I sound very needy. I guess I will go to bed now. I am not making much sense to myself.

Take care all

Pleasing peopl

You cannot please everyone be it family or friends.

I have been told by several people that I have bipolar disorder but then again i put up with a lot of stuff and taken a lot of stuff maybe someday I will write about. I think I did in previous post.

My dad and brother is mad at me. Yippee I am on a roll.

Aug. 06, 2014

You want to know something. I really don't wake up tired from staying up late. I wake up with sinus headache and then I am tired. My eyes are burning, my head is swollen feeling. Or I am having one of those days when all I do is cough.

I wish I can write a book like Laurell  K Hamilton orSherrilyn Kenyon. I have an artistic side just don't know how to develop it. I like crafting, reading and home improvement stores. It is a good things I don't visit them every pay day or I would not have any money after bills paid. I do miss the stores though and I can spend more than 1 hour in those stores too.

I need to finish a blanket and a doiley I guess if I remember I will take some pictures to post here.

I don't know what else to talk about. I know people out in this world don't give a rats behind (nice way of saying) about what is going on in my life. I could write about my past in hopes to exorcise the demons and create a more positive attitude and a more relaxed, calmer me.

I will catch you all later. I must try to go to work.

Ta Ta Ta
Shelly

July 31, 2014 Long due Post

I am at work for the moment. I will try to post stuff off and on more. I will not make any promises but will try.

I am single and alone. I hate that feeling. I love someone who does not really love me or want me in their life only to screw me, play video games and to ignore me most of the other time. I just felt used and after he said what he said it just confirmed what I felt.

He said "there was no love, no attraction, I don't like you, I don't hate you. Something about me seeking attention and I have psychological problems" Also I am a "CRAZY BIPOLAR LIKE BITCH". Really after telling me you love me, just so show he never meant those three words "I Love You". All because argued over stupid video games and I yelled at him when trying to tell him he did not get me these but got me those. Really. Yeah I am pretty darn angry about it. Come to find out he is still married, now I am an adulterer (if that is such a word), but his wife was filing for divorce so she can marry someone else. He has also told someone on a phone in a store that he got this game for a few of his friends and only a few play it, even I don't play the thing. I am, I was trying to finish school. Thanks for the support and putting me down.

I don't understand why people things it is okay to talk to each other that way. It is just so wrong on so many levels. They want you to tell them what your feeling and when you do the get defensive and if you don't they get defensive, cannot win there.

I finally got my mom moved down here. I now have 5 dogs and 1 cat, yeah. I have a small zoo. Only thing missing is the bears, giraffes etc. My relatives to you know those chimps and gorillas that we are so closely related to but your family wont admit it.

Any how I will in chaotic mode. My sentences and words may not make since sometimes I think I am ADHD. Oh well. I will have to get back to work.

Do you know what day it is? Wednesday 26, 2014

Man this is some year. I have no idea what I am doing anymore. Yesterday I had argument with my school. You would think trying to get an answer to one questions would be simple. Nope you more or less get the run around, contact this group of people, or that group of people, so and so say one thing, another so and so said another. Then your made to feel small and stupid.

I also took my neighbor to have gal bladder surgery on top of that. I am having a blast, lol. I guess I will be rewarded in the end I hope.

Not much going on today just working myself to death, stressed and anxieties. I need to finish my school but I suck at test no matter if I go to a center to take them or actual classroom. Oh well I hope I get it all completed but not so sure anymore.