Nov 27, 2012

I am a pain in the butt. I have feelings for my next door neighbor but I need to leave him alone. He does not want me or think of me in the same way I want and think of him. I am just someone to have sex with and then leave to go back to his house. I am such a wimp. I really wish I can find someone like him you know one of those men that can do just about anything but master of none, someone who is strong physically, but even stronger mentally and emotionally, someone who will not hurt me or harm me. Yes we will have our arguments but as long as we don't blame each other and recognize who is at fault things should be okay. I mean you all know what I am trying to say.

I did something stupid. I asked him if he wanted to go with me to my Mom's not smart thing for me to do right. He would not go any how, never went with me when we lived together. I love going to my moms but the ride can be a bit boring yes I have my little dogs with me but still be nice to have human to chat with besides singing to the radio going down the highway. No kidding. I take that back about the something stupid - well I did 2 stupid things. I already mentioned one which should been the 2nd stupid thing. The 1st stupid thing was that I let him into my house and bed. Big mistake, if felt really good to be held and petted, comforted etc and I want more that but I am not going to get it. I feel numb and dumb at times because I keep trying for something that will not ever, is not going to, no way in hell happen. We will not ever get back together no matter how much I want it or what my feelings are. My heart wants it to happen but my head said nope. Not going to happen.

Why would any man want me? I have HSV1 & HSV2 both oral and gentil herpes. I am trying to be positive about things but really hard. I also have Type 2 diabetes. Off and on UTI, Urinary Tract Infections and who knows what else. Oh I cough a lot not sure if that is silent reflux or asthama but the doctor thinks it is the silent reflux. I even have accidents. It is not fun having Diabetes and I know I am not managing it well. I care yet at the same time I don't.

I sometimes don't mind being alone but yet I do. I sometimes feel like I need to have someone around due to the diabetes other times I am okay. I just need to take better care of me. It is going to tell on me sooner or later.

Any how I am a very independent person. I am so afraid to depend on someone else because in the past no one has been there or wants to be there even if they could. I can go ask for help but I am left waiting and waiting for someone but nothing happens. I have major hard time trusting someone or believing them. They have to kind of have to prove that I can I mean. If you say your going to help or do something with me, mean it don't say it and never follow through. If I ask you for help and you say yes, please mean it dont just say it to get me off your back and to satisfy me.

I guess I should get off here and get back to work. I do miss playing WOW and I am wishing I can get my school out of the way. I am worrying about that as well, plus my unfinished projects and the other projects I want to get started on, lol. I am only human.

How can we humans turn off our emotions, or feelings for another human being? To me that sounds cold hearted, like the person is made of rock due to the lack of laughter, love, crying, anger etc. I could not live that way.I want to be loved and I am a very emotional person. I cry, I hurt, I get angry and laugh. That is part of being alive.

Now I am taking crap I am getting off of here.