Nov 19, 2012

What to do with myself? I have no clue. I have realized that I am in love with my ex-roommate who is now my neighbor. I don't think he feels the same for me. I know for a fact he does not feel the same for me. I have given him the site to my blogs so he can read my emotions. I know there will be some blogs he should not read but I want him to know who I am and how I feel.

I miss my ex-roommate holding me at night, falling asleep in his arms. I miss having him here watching him play his WOW, I miss playing WOW lol. I miss me and him trying to snuggle on the sofa to watch tv. My sofa is not that big and we are 2 big people. I ache for him, my heart beats for this person, use to be I did not want to come home now I cannot way for him to come home. I sound like a adolescent  teenager.

I write my feelings down better than I can tell ya. Yeah I am a chicken but I am trying to change that as well. I hope he forgives me for the blogs I have written but the majority of them were done in anger. This is only way I know how to release my stress, frustration and anxieties. Sometimes it helps other times it does not. I constantly worry.

Any how. I feel like if I am with another man or try to be with another, I feel like I am cheating on someone who left me. Is this a normal feeling? I know living next door does not help but what do I do. I do not have the money to move to another house. I am more or less stuck here.

I pray to God, Universe help me to find someone to replace him or show him his way back to me. I cannot promise things would be the same as before or worse but I know I have trust issues and I need to be able to believe in a person. I have only found 1 other person that I can believe in.

I sometimes wonder if my diabetes and other health issues makes it hard for a man to be with me. I have both types of herpes 1 and 2. This is something I could have contracted from swimming in polluted water or maybe I got it from someone in my past or maybe my ex because he has cheated on me.

I am trying to work on my school still. I have had to ask help from the instructors but he does not always get back with me like I wanted him too. I have managed to figure out something but this I am going have to figure out as well.

I keep thinking about the ex-roommate if you cannot tell from the way I write. I just pray that something good will come out of and God will help me work through my issues and I hope he works through his issues to, and I hope that he loves me too.

I guess that is enough for now. I will try to post more.

Take care shelly